


Seen for the first time

by fangirlishpostss



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Bad Parenting, Brainwash, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, For the Love of Shadow Weaver, Getting to Know Each Other, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, Minor Original Character(s), Mystacor (She-Ra), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Brainwashing, Strangers to Lovers, Unrequited Lust, Useless Lesbians, angsty casta, mentions of netossa, slow burn kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27082840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlishpostss/pseuds/fangirlishpostss
Summary: Casta doesn't really know much about life outside her constant tries to please everyone around her,yet she always seems to fail at that. So, when she meets her brother's new tutor, she too starts to learn new things, but will that be enough to make her change her view of life...
Relationships: Castaspella & Micah (She-Ra), Castaspella & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Castaspella/Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Micah & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)
Comments: 190
Kudos: 118





	1. The tightness of her heart

**Author's Note:**

> I think I'm getting obsessed with writing, anyways here's some information:  
> -this is set in the She-ra universe so magic, princesses and all that exists  
> -ages: Casta;19, Light Spinner;around 24, Micah; around 12
> 
> "To live is the rarest thing in the world."  
> \- Oscar Wilde

She wiped her sweaty hands over her apron, before taking a pile of their best white plates with golden carvings off the kitchen table. They clinked as her trembling fingers held them and even the maid looked at her weirdly. Quickly, she walked to the dinning room, lowering the plates on the newly polished table, she can’t have them break. Everything needs to be perfect.

Her parents are finally coming home and they’re bringing Micah too. First ones, she hadn’t seen them since they’ve left for Bright Moon, which if she remembers right was almost 8 months ago. Not that she would ever admit it, but she knew exactly how long they were away; 234 days. She counted every single one of them. So, no one could even imagine the happiness that took over her as she read the letter, written in her mother’s neat handwriting.

_We are transferring Micah’s studies back to Mystacor…We’ll be back in 3 nights, make sure the dinner is ready…_

Other than that, the letter was kept formal, they always were…unless Micah wrote to her. When she read his she could almost hear his voice and see him smile from ear to ear. She always looked forward to those letters, but still they didn’t make her miss him any less than she already did. If only her parents had let her come too, but as they’ve said there was nothing there for her. _You’ll have the mansion all for yourself, see how lucky you are._ Her mother had told her, yet she never felt more miserable than she did three months ago, spending her 19th birthday all on her own.

“Casta!” Her brother’s voice echoed through the mansion and quickly, before running to the front doors she threw her apron off.

Micah met her halfway, his hug almost made her lose balance. Behind him stood her parents and lifting her head she flashed them a smile. That was when she noticed another figure. A tall woman with dark hair, dressed in purplish tones and a veil on her face, stood next to her parents.

Her mother found herself at Casta’s side and if she didn’t know better, she would have expected a hug or a kiss on the cheeks, anything really. Yet she took her arm and pulled her towards the mysterious woman, “This is our daughter Castaspella.” She said as they’ve stopped in front of her.

“Castaspella, this is Light Spinner. She’ll be staying with us as Micah’s full-time tutor.”, she thought her brother was going back to Mystacor’s school of sorcerers and sorceresses, they didn’t mention a private professor. Why had no one cared to mention it?

A grip on her arm harden and she stretched her arm towards the dark-haired woman. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She stuttered as delicate fingers squeezed around her sweaty palm and her mother’s hand left hers.

“As wise.”

During the dinner, she kept quiet, only smiling or nodding here and then as to not seem completely uninterested. Her mind still lingered on the fact her mother failed to mention such an important news. It was important to inform her a stranger will be living with them, was it not? However, she was probably just making a big deal out of it. She was a stranger just to her, not to her family. They won’t let her stay unless she had their trust.

“Oh, Castaspella, you should’ve seen him, he was incredible.” Her mother exclaimed, turning the conversation back to Micah. It would always go back to him and her heart would beat faster. _Castaspella, if only you saw this and if only you saw that. I would have, if you had let me come._ Her heart tightened as the thought passed her brain, but never dared to leave her mouth.

Not only did her parents boast her brother, it seemed like Light Spinner too held a great fondness over him. Casta would catch them whispering, Micah silently giggling as the older woman messed his hair and her heart would squeeze her even more. As much as she missed hi- them, she couldn’t wait to go to bed. Sleep would do her good. Tomorrow, when she’s rested, her heart will beat proudly at her brother’s adventures and his success and she’ll look fondly at the friendship in front of her, without her eyes prickling. At least that’s what she hoped for, yet somewhere inside of her, she knew this run deeper than tiredness. It was as old as her first memory and as fresh as the raspberries she picked from the garden mere hours ago. In her chest it was as sharp as the lunar lens she once broke, making her fingers bleed all over the pretty stone and it was as cold as the snows that will soon cover the whole Mystacor. It was the painful and ugly realization that even as an only child, she always came last.

“…my room is the 3rd on the left than Casta’s and then yours. It looks out on the garden, you’ll love it.” Micah’s voice made her look up, everyone was almost done, only her plate stood half full and when Lexa came to clean the table, she let her take it. The tightness of her heart moved up her throat and she couldn’t eat even if the best chocolate cake stood there. She rather looked at the woman in front of her, when she first removed her veil, Casta didn’t dare to look, not wanting to be rude. Now she managed to still a proper glance. Light Spinner had a quit symmetrical face, only a small scar on her lips seemed to be out of place, yet she wouldn’t say it made her odd or ugly. Light Spinner didn’t look much older than her, if she had to guess, Casta would say she was in her early twenties. It surprised her that her parents choose, such a young, most likely unexperienced sorceress, there must have been a good reason. She seemed good with Micah, but then again that was never important to them when it came to tutors.

As she laid in bed, finally escaping the dinner, her heart appeared to let some of its tension go, hopefully allowing her to fall asleep quickly. She tried to focus on the moon that shined through her balcony doors, contemplating if she wanted to take a closer look. However, the thought of Light Spinner, a complete stranger sleeping in the room next to her, sharing the same balcony, made her stay in bed. She didn’t want to run into her and deal with small talk followed by an awkward silence. Couldn’t they give her one of the guest rooms in the west ring?


	2. The unwanted memories and embarrassments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If memories could bleed, if dreams could scream

She woke up tired, but it didn’t bother her. The first nights in a new place were always restless and it was all too familiar to her. Slowly, she dragged herself out of the bed, her feet moved little by little until she crossed the room. Mornings were the worst, and it wasn’t because of the coldness or tiredness. The real reason was that on most of them she had to eat breakfast with Micah’s dreadful parents.

_Light Spinner, you’re such a good tutor for our boy._

_You must be the most talented person I have ever seen._

_Micah’s already made so much progress since we hired you._

The hair on the back of her neck would rise at the fakeness of their words and under the veil her teeth would bite down on her bottom lip. There were many things she wanted to say to them, yet Micah’s innocent smile never allowed her more than a monotonous thank yous. When she first met them, she contemplated quitting before even meeting the boy. Now, she was glad he turned out to be the opposite of his shallow parents. It would be a shame not to shape such raw talent.

She didn’t know where the sister stood. Light Spinner would say for herself that she was a good reader of character, but the girl barely spoke two words. Nonetheless one thing was so obvious that even a blind man could see it. In this house Micah and his sister weren’t equals, at least not in the eyes of their parents and when you spent 8 months living with someone you get to know them, whether you like it or not. She heard them praise the boy more times than she could count, she saw them buy him gifts when he did good. They would cover him in kisses and hugs after their trips, yet the daughter they hadn’t seen in almost a year did not get a gift nor a hug nor a kiss on the forehead. Still, Light Spinner noticed the way Talia gripped the girl’s arm, clear annoyance on her face, mixed with a bit of worry. She saw it all before, her fear that they won’t be good enough in her eyes, that she’ll see through the façade of the rich and talented. What would they say if they knew, she couldn’t stand them from the moment she saw them? She’ll never forget the words Micah’s father told her, the first time he spotted her. _What’s with the mask?_ He laughed, for a man who traveled he looked totally blind to the fact cultures and customs were different throughout the whole Etheria.

As she walked down the white stairs, her eyes went to the dining table. It was already set up and only she was missing.

“Light Spinner, just in time.” Talia greeted her.

She sat in the same chair she did last night, glancing to her left she caught Micah with his mouth full of pancakes. Opposite of him, his sister ate quietly, her gaze not moving from her plate. The parents on the other hand kept talking and talking and at one point she thought her head might explode from all the nonsense.

“Micah and Castaspella will give you a tour around the town. Castaspella can take you to try some of our traditional dishes for lunch, if you wish.”

“Oh, that’ll be perfect.”, she smiled, yet it didn’t really reach her eyes. If she wanted to see the island, she would have done that herself she didn’t need a 12-year-old boy and his taciturn sister.

Nevertheless, she found herself walking down the stone square of Mystacor. Colorful stands, with all sorts of people filled the big space around the center where a mermaid fountain stood and water spilled from the woman’s hands, going down her tail until it finally hit the circle under it. Children were everywhere, their little bodies almost run into her as she moved through the stands. Necklaces, bracelets and rings made of Mystacor’s crystals shined on her left, while in front of her pastel colored gowns, scarfs and other kinds of fabrics swayed in the wind, making it look as if they followed the sound of a guitar that came from an older man.

“Can we go to the park now?” Micah’s voice made her pull away from the music, even though his question was not directed to her.

“Micah! Don’t be rude, I’m sure Light Spinner would like to look around more.”, his sister scolded, “There’ll be better days to go.”

“It’s fine.” She moved away from the pretty jewelry and stepped closer to the siblings; her eyes found Castaspella’s face. Though she didn’t know her well enough, she would say her contradicting the girl’s words caused annoyance, but still she continued, “We can go.”

“Are you sure? We can stay here, if that’s what you want. Micah’s seen the park plenty of times.” The girl rambled, not noticing how her brother was already walking away.

“I’ve seen enough…Besides I think someone is already halfway there.” She watched as her eyes moved away from hers and towards her brother, before she too started walking in the same direction.

Micah led the way through the small streets of the island, somehow always a few feet in front of them. Lost in his childish excitement, he was totally oblivious of the awkward silence that followed behind him and that stayed on one of the benches as he run through the grass.

As they were sitting there winter’s first snow greeted them with fluffy snowflakes, that would melt as soon as they’ve touched the skin of her hands.

“Does it snow where you’re from?”

“It never snows South of Plumeria.” She answered the simple, yet unexpected question. Turning her head to the right, towards Micah’s sister, Light Spinner could say that was the first time she properly took a glance at her. Just like herself, she had pitched black hair, though hers looked much shinier. It matched the lipstick color she wore on her plump lips. Her hands were folded in her lap and it was oh so very obvious that she did not know how to continue the conversation she alone started. So, Light Spinner took it upon herself to try and get them rid of the awkwardness that was falling above them, but it did not evaporate like the cold snowflakes.

“How old are you, exactly?”

“Nineteen…”

“That means you must have graduated from the sorcerer’s school last year.”

The girl lowered her head, turning her gaze to her hand and then back to her. “I went to a regular school. Magic’s…not really my thing.”

 _And what is your thing, try not to say a word?_ She wished to say but didn’t. here was no need for her rude jokes.

“Kind of hard to believe that with a brother like Micah.”

“Well, it’s better…he’ll need it more than I will.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’ll be a grown man…” She didn’t listen to hear the end of the sentence. Of course, it’s the same old-fashioned bullshit she heard from her parents on the daily basis.

 _Men are sure to be better magicians._ Micah’s father once told her. Her, who was his son’s tutor in all fields of magic. There were many more occasions similar to this; from both the mother and the father, and it seemed like she had another name to add to the list, but she got used to ignoring them. Micah was the only sane person in this family, and she was pleased to shape him so that he does not turn to the wrong path.

“Forgive me, but I’m going to have to disagree.” She let her voice be flat and distanced. Her time will not be wasted on trying to prove someone wrong, she’s done enough of that. People either listen, trying to understand the other points of view, even if they don’t accept them as their own or they don’t even try, so sure that their way is the only way. Castaspella did not ask her why she didn’t agree, nor did she try to defend her point furthermore. She went back to her silent self, her eyes again on her lap. For once, she was glad to rather have the awkward silence.

Micah found himself by their side. “Casta, I’m hungry.” He cried out.

“I’ll go get us lunch.” The girl said, her hand passing over her brother’s cheek. “What would you like?”

“Could you get us my favorite.” He gave a cheeky smile as Castaspella stood up, letting him take her place in the bench.

The girl nodded “I’ll be right back.” And with that she disappeared.

“Is your sister always that quiet?”

“What do you mean? Did she not want to talk to you?” Micah’s brown eyes looked up and the resemblance between the siblings was as clear as day, yet only in physical matters.

“She talked but knowing you I just thought she’ll be more…talkative.”, l _ess like your parents._

“Hmm, it’s probably just you…” Her eyebrow rose at the words the boy so quickly spilled and even he looked a bit taken back, “No, I…I mean…Casta doesn’t like to meet new people…that’s…um all.”

***

As she once again walked towards the center, she found her heartbeat had slowed down as soon as she moved away from the park. For some reason Light Spinner’s presence made her more awkward than she already was. She had already embarrassed herself…twice. _Think Casta, what did you say?_ Her exact words were hard to recall, she just repeated what she heard a thousand of times. So, something must have slipped out, something she made up, she didn’t know.

 _Stupid._ She cursed herself as she waited for Micah’s favorite cheese pie to be handed to her. _That’s what she thinks of you now._ Silver coins were being fidgeted between her fingers. Looking down on them brought the memory of the lunar lens, again.

**She didn’t know how or where exactly she lost her parents. It must have been in the crowd. The only thing that mattered right now was to find her way back, she already looked through dozens of rooms, but she couldn’t find them. Somehow, she even found herself in an empty hall, big doors stood in front of her. They were half opened, and light spilled through, so she stepped inside, first peaking her head and then fully entering as she saw purplish crystals stacked on each side of the room. They shined in the moonlight that slipped through the circle in the roof. In her 10 years of life she has never seen anything so mesmerizing and Casta just had to touch it. She walked closer to the wall, ever step caried less and less carefulness. Her hand pulled one of the stones off, holding it in her palm, she passed her thumb over it. Maybe someone will let her keep it, there are plenty of others.**

**“Hey! You can’t be here…” the loudness of the voice behind her sent gallons of blood through her body and her heart was about to explode. Instinctively, her fists closed before a sharp pain shot through her palm.**

**Casta didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to be here, that the pretty things, which were rare and expensive, made magic stronger, her magic, the one she didn’t train. Dad said it won’t be of any use to her so how in Etheria was she to know magic responds to strong emotions. Castaspella, just didn’t know.**

**Her eyes burned, yet as she opened her bloody fist, she made them look down. It was broken, more red than purple. Then the footsteps came towards her, making her drop the precious pieces of stone. They clinked as they fell, landing next to drops of her blood, that stood out on the white floor.**

**“I’m sorry I scared you, little girl.”, she didn’t look at the woman in front of her, even though her voice sounded gentler now. “Why don’t you come with me and we’ll help you with all that blood.” At that Casta lifted her gaze of the broken crystal, letting the lady, dressed in white and purple uniform lead her away.**

**“What did she do?” Her father asked, rushing inside the little office she was brought to. By the way his voice rose Castaspella knew he was furious. She listened carefully as the guards explained the situation and the damage that was to be paid. Her heartbeat was even faster than before, at least she could swear it was. Silent tears fell down her cheeks as she was dragged by the arm through pastel halls and out in the open. There she saw her mother, holding her baby brother as he peacefully slept on her shoulder. She did not say a word to Casta.**

**” In the name of the First Ones, can you not embarrass us for once.” Father words were almost as painful as the burning wound covered in white cloth. They ranged in her ears, “You disappoint me, Castaspella.”, over and over again.**

**From that day until the last of her days, she’ll wear a reminder, a diagonal scar across her hand, so that she never forgets where her stupidity leads to.**

**Not to say that she never saw the pretty stones or the moon through the hole in the ceiling ever again.**

“Will that be all?”

“Yes.” She took the bag, and the delicious smell filled her nose, it was hard to recall the last time she had pie. Her fingers slipped an extra coin before she hurried off. The snow was falling much faster now and by nightfall the whole of Mystacor will be covered with a layer of white coldness.

That night she did not look at the moon or the snowflakes, that reflected in its light. Unlike before she pulled her curtains shut, before hiding under the warm covers of her bed. Closing her eyes, she tried to shake off all the unwanted memories and embarrassments. Yet images flashed, her blood on the marble floor, her father’s grip, her mother’s grip, Light Spinner’s annoyed voice.


	3. The loud stomping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any mistakes and my bland wirting but i just can't stop with these two

**She didn’t like when they came to visit. Her parents always made her play with Adam, even though she did not want to. He was older…meaner and once they would leave, she would go to her room and cry. The stuff he told her would leave her uneasy for days.**

**When she was 6 and he was 10 he told her, he would steal her doll if she didn’t give him all her candy. No one was ever mean to her before so, she listened, ignoring the fact they were her favorite and she won’t get another package for months. “I don’t want them to come again.” She said as the doors closed behind them. Mother yelled at her not to say such nonsense, especially not in front of dad.**

**When he was 12 and she was 8, he fell into a pile of mud that made his clothes stink. He looked funny and Casta laughed. Her giggles were loud and long, it could be heard all the way from the garden to the living room. So, he told everyone she pushed him, not believing her side of the story, her father gave her a two-month long punishment. She shouldn’t have laughed.**

**“I heard my dad say you’ll be my wife.” He told her one time when he was 17 and she 13.**

**“You lie, my parents would never agree to this.”, she wasn’t sure in her own words, but she’ll rather jump of her balcony than marry a boy like Adam.**

**“You foolish girl, haven’t you realized they’ll do anything for more power, respect.” His smile was poisoned, “We both know my family is the only one in Mystacor richer than yours. It’s a good move. You’ll see.” He was just messing with her, the older he got the more he did that. How was Casta to know this, she was just a kid and Adam knew how to get to her. He was a liar, she comprehended that long ago.**

**Three years later he kissed her, it made her feel uncomfortable, so, she slapped him. Her hard stinged and she watched as he stormed out. Her father question her about it for a week, but she did not say anything. From then on, his parents always came alone, making Adam nothing more than an unpleasant memory.**

***

On her seventh day she was jerked out of sleep by a loud stomping followed by an even louder slam of the doors. If it had been any other morning Light Spinner would have been incredibly pissed off, but today was too good of a day to spend it by fussing. Just last night Talia and Alec had announced their new trip. They’ll be gone by noon and if she’s lucky it will stay like that for at least two weeks. Hopefully, more.

Happily, she threw the fluffy blanket off her warm and sleepy body. The cold air shivered on the skin exposed by the nightgown. Hurryingly, she walked to the closet, looking for something more suitable to such a snowy day. It did not take her long to choose between her winter robes, she was short on them, she noted. Not that it surprised her, she didn’t need such clothes in Bright Moon, and she needed them even less in Plumeria. Maybe she’ll find something by that stand with pastel fabrics? Though such soft colors weren’t really her thing, she found them somewhat cheerful. Perhaps, it was just the memory of them dancing in the wind that didn’t make them as repulsive. Yes, it must be that.

As usual by the time she arrived, everyone was already seated in their regular chairs. “Good morning.” She greeted, hoping that the lightness of her voice wasn’t suspicious. 

They ate in silence and she was just about to thank the First Ones for spearing her all the nonsense, even if for just one morning, when the father spoke, not moving his head from the newspapers. “Micah, what did you think of Adam?”

She remembered him; they visited his family once they came to Mystacor. Their enormous house at the entrance of the town said enough about their social rank. She didn’t like them very much, recalling the event all that stick to her was that they were arrogant noble people, who thought money is the opener to all doors.

Suddenly, Castaspella’s head shot up as she locked her gaze with her brother. Light Spinner couldn’t help but to see the silent conversation their eyes held and the way the girl shook her head so lightly, it was almost unnoticeable.

“Micah?” Alec dropped the papers, making the confused boy look between him and his sister. Somehow, she felt like she was intruding into something she shouldn’t be, yet she did not want to excuse herself from the table. Carefully, she listened to the conversation, her curiosity getting the best of her.

“I…I don’t know…Why are you asking?” His little voice stuttered as he shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, like I’ve told your sister earlier, few years ago his father suggested for our families to unite and I was wondering of asking him if the offer still stands.” She almost choked on the piece of bread in her mouth. “You remember how close he and Castaspella were?” Was this man really asking his son for advice on arranged marriage? If it weren’t so desperate, she would have found it laughable.

Her mind wondered what the girl thought, was she on board with this? If she was than she didn’t see a reason for these uncomfortable questions. Yet, the burning gaze she gave her brother, the loud stomping, the door slam, these things spoke for themselves. But then again why should she care about the closeminded, rich, upper-class like her? She’ll fit in just fine, she’s even friends with the boy. No surprise there.

So why couldn’t she help but to think; _It’s wrong?_

“I don’t remember.” Micah spilled out; his fork clanked against his plate. By simple look at his tight posture, Light Spinner knew he lied. Poor thing, being put in this situation. Why should he even be asked these questions? Did Alec not have a tiny bit of shame?

“What about you, Light Spinner? You met the boy too.” Oh, he did not just drag her into his family matters. This guy was a new kind of low. He wanted to know what she thinks, but he did not care about her opinions, that much she already knew. Besides, if he did, he would have already known where she stood with such _approaches_.

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but haven’t you heard he already made engagements with the princess of Salineas?” _For a man who reads the papers so often, you do seem quite uninformed._ “…but if you are so eager to unite the families, I believe Adam’s sister is still unpromised and if I remember well, she is around your daughter’s age.” As soon as the words left her mouth the room turned quiet, all eyes on her and her words hit her too. She should have excused herself when she had the chance.

“I know you people in Plumeria are quite liberal and I do not care about your beliefs, if we may call it that, but I do not want my family listening to such.” In Plumeria, more like the majority of Etheria. Even most of the people in Mystacor have accepted the fact same-sex relationships were nothing more than just that; relationships and that traditions such as uniting families with the similar social status were historical. Too bad that old fool they call the headmaster, kept talking about some kind of useless traditional ways, making Mystacor always stay back in the past as others moved forward. It was even worse that people, such as this family, choose to believe in his propaganda.

“Cultural barriers, too easy to forget.” She tried to sound as apologetic as she could, but he will not hear a real apology because she will not apologies for something that was in no way, shape or form wrong.

Furiously, he got up and with him Talia too left the table. Leaving her with Micah and Castaspella, but not for long since the girl pushed her plate away before getting up. Her steps once again ringing through the house.

First Ones, she missed Plumeria, the warm sun tingling on her face as she moved through her garden. It was nothing like the ice that made her boots cold and wet as she and Micah practiced new spells. She barley spent a week in the snow, but it was enough to say she did not like it. The cold made her fingers numb, making each spell slightly harder. By the time she and Micah would finish training her hair would be full of freezing wet snowflakes and the only thing she was keen on were the winter roses. They were planted throughout the whole backyard, their deep red color standing out in the bland whiteness. Even after the parents left, the tension of this morning’s conversations roamed through the house, and she allowed Micah to go easy today, letting him finish the training earlier. The maid, Lexa she remembered, fetched her two books from the library yesterday, one for her and the other for Micah. So, she sent the boy to read as she herself retreated to her room, spending the rest of the afternoon wrapped in the warmth of her blanket, her head lost inside the pages.

Time passed quickly and she only noticed the dark that fell outside when the emptiness of her stomach appeared. It was already quite late, and no one had called for dinner, which she found odd. It made her close the book and walk downstairs. The dining table was clean and empty, so she moved to the living room. There on the couch, Micah was reading the book she gave him, he looked up at the sound of her steps, giving her a small smile before returning his head back to where it was. If she hadn’t walked towards the little armchair opposite of the sofa, she wouldn’t have even noticed that Castaspella was sleeping next to the boy. Micah’s free hand twisted the girl’s hair between its fingers. Once again making Light Spinner feel like she was intruding into a private family moment. She was about to turn around, when Micah closed his book, setting it on the glass table.

“I’m hungry…” he whispered towards her, “You?”

“I am too.” She smiled as she watched the boy stretch his arms above his head. Then he dropped them to the girl’s shoulders and shook her lightly.

“Casta, we should go eat.”

“Just tell Lexa to make you something.” Her voice was grumpy, and she just turned to her other side, before going back to sleep.

“But Lexa’s not here…it’s her free day.” He shook her shoulders again, “I’m really hungry and so is Light Spinner. Right, Light Spinner?”

At that the girl set up, finally noticing her, she straightened her clothes while getting up. “I’ll…umm…go make something.” The change of her tone and the stutter in her words did not go unnoticed in her ears. It made her think of today’s events and guilt pricked at her heart. She shouldn’t have suggested a different kind of marriage to the girl, just to piss off her father. Even if she didn’t like her, it was not her place to say anything.

***

She can’t believe she was making dinner for the woman who just this morning made a fool of her.

 _Adam’s sister is still unpromised…_ Light Spinner said it as if it was the most normal thing in the world, as if she didn’t know what it meant here. She was surprised her father didn’t fired her then and there for just suggesting his daughter to do something so, so…and her father how could he even mention it in front of a stranger and after she told them she won’t accept it?

 _You’re being selfish Casta. Just think about it._ She knew it was self-centered, the marriage would do good for her family, but she just couldn’t. Thank the First Ones, now that Adam found a new victim, she won’t have to think about it.

Her legs moved quickly through the kitchen, looking all over the cabinets and shelfs. Why was everything moved around? Her mother must have made Lexa switch it up. With a loud sigh she slammed the cabinet doors.

“You should stop doing that, before you break something.” She flinched at the surprising voice. _What does she want now?_

Casta didn’t turn around to look at her, already feeling the awkwardness rise, but her breathing fasten and she just wished to be left alone for once. This day was going downhill from the moment she woke up. Last thing she needed was to embarrass herself again, to say something wrong. She tried to avoid Light Spinner as much as she could since that day in the park, yet with every day it became harder and harder. The woman was everywhere, at the dining table in the morning, in the garden teaching her brother as Casta looked out from the balcony, lunch, dinner…

Behind her she heard her step closer and draw a deep breath, “Listen, about this morning…” Casta’s heart was beating hard against her chest, why is she bringing this up? Didn’t she suffer enough embarrassment as it is, “…I hope I did not offend you; it was not my intention.” Was someone apologizing…to her?

“I…it’s fin- “

“No, I shouldn’t have intervened.”

She finally got enough courage to face the woman behind her, shaking her head lightly she started, “You don’t have to apologize…” It was as truthful as it was not.

“Maybe not to your father, it’s not my fault my views offend him, but I do owe you an apology…”, Micah’s teacher took step closer, her words seemed genuine and Casta’s earlier anger slowly vanished. Perhaps, she did not mean to make a fool of her, she probably just exaggerated.

“Even if they offend me too?”

“It makes it awfully harder then, but yes, it still wasn’t okay to suggest who you should marry or not.”

“Then consider your apology accepted, though you shouldn’t have.” With that she turned her back to the other woman, her heart was still racing. No one other than Micah had ever apologized to her and she could feel a blush creep up her face. Was it always so freeing?


	4. The fun of all of this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for everyone commenting this is gay...THANKS i'm glad my gayness is showing

After the breakfast they would generally stay at the dining table, she and Micah going over some basic theory or spell drawing. The boy was much better with practical magic than the theoretical. He wanted to do everything as quickly as possible while she preferred everything to be perfectly précised, that made both of them irritated on more than one occasion. Sometimes the lessons would stretch into early afternoon hours and they would both agree on skipping the training. Now that the parents weren’t here, she could work on her own terms.

On some mornings Castaspella would stay seated opposite of them, she never interrupted, stuck in some of her own papers that Light Spinner couldn’t figure out. Not that she cared…it was just odd for a girl who already finished school.

It seemed like every day more and more snow covered Mystacor. She was slowly getting used to the cold temperatures, though she still didn’t enjoy it. The warmth of her bed swiftly became one of her favorite places in the entire mansion.

More than once she found herself lost inside her thoughts. Her heart ached for her own rose filled garden and the lack of company her own age started to take its tool. Sometimes she was so bored that she thought if Micah’s sister wasn’t so conservative and closed off, she might have tried to befriend her. Like the two of them could even hold a single conversation, both offended by the opinions of the other one. To be honest Light Spinner wasn’t sure why it was bothering her as much as it did, she only ever had one real friend, one long lost to the different paths of life.

**“Why do they ignore me?”, she asked her mother as she dropped on the sofa of their new Bright Moon house. Third day of school and still everyone kept disregarding her, even some professors didn’t return her greetings. She thought everyone was as friendly as Plumerians, seemingly that was not the case. Why did she have to be magically talented? If only she wasn’t than she could have gone to a normal school, like others from her village. Now she was half across Etheria, in a weird kingdom with tall glossy buildings, whose residents were dull rich people.**

**“You have to understand, Light, people here are not used to our culture as were people back home. Us, humans are always scared of the unknown, anything that stands outside of the norms of regular. Our beliefs, veils and even clothes are a mystery to them. Just like theirs are to us, but remember knowledge is the defender of all fears.” Her mother’s wise words carved their way to her head and that night she stayed up way longer than she should have, researching Bright Moon’s sacred ways.**

**In her years in Bright Moon, she learned many things, such as the reason why they build tall shiny buildings, which was so simple that she couldn’t believe she hadn’t realized it sooner. It was to show their closeness to the moon. Tall because it stood high in the sky and glossy to represents its light. How amazed little Light Spinner had been at such revelation. Her mother’s words came truly like a gift, yet not everyone wanted to learn, she had grasped. It’s easy to live in only what’s already familiar, there’s no fears, there’s no judgment in the known, society acceptable way.**

**Only one thing always stayed unanswered. The dullness of people who lived in such magnificent structures. The ones unwanted of any knowledge, ungiving of acceptance she tried so hard to earn. They’ll see when she’s a great teacher of Bright Moon, they will have to listen. They’ll understand.**

A loud scream yanked her out of her past, and she pulled the curtains of her balcony door apart, before stepping outside into the chilly air. Few more steps and she was standing next to the rail, her hands flinched as they’ve touched it, forgetting about the icy cold. Her eyes scanned the garden until they finally found the source of the scream. The siblings were throwing piles of snow onto each other and she watched with confusion.

“You’re cheating!” Castaspella yelled as Micah used a spell to make the snow fly higher in the air until it landed on his sister, hitting her hard in the face. A petty feeling of satisfaction had shown itself, yet her veil kept it well covered.

“Light Spinner come join us.” the boy said as soon as he noticed her. She listened not wanting to drown in her own boredom for a second longer. Afraid of what other memories it might uncover.

“What are you doing?” Her boots sank into the snow as she stepped of the porch.

“Snowballing…or as I like to call it; watch Casta lose.” He stretched his arm to place a pile of snow to her hand, it was so cold it hurt to touch, but she did not reveal it.

“Hey!”, another pile hit Micah, “look who’s losing now.” She could not quite comprehend the fun of all of this. Who wanted to be hit in the face with a bunch of snow? It’s damp, cold and it makes your skin go senseless.

“That’s not fair, I was just about to explain it to her.” Micah pouted, “Come on, Light Spinner, why don’t you try.”

She looked at the little ball in her palm, it was slowly melting against the warmth of her skin and she could already feel her finger going numb. Swinging her hand, she threw the snowball towards Castaspella. It collided with her shoulder and dissembled all over her black coat.

Her student praised her, and she turned to smile at him, but before she knew it incredible coldness spread over her cheek. Impulsively, her eyes shut just as a soft groan escaped her mouth. Her hand tried to wipe it away, yet it just made her fingers go number. “I don’t think I see the fun of this game.” She heard muffled giggles, so she opened her eyes to see both Micah and his sister laughing at her overexaggerated reaction.

“I’ll be more fun if we split.” Castaspella exclaimed, her giggles dying out.

“The winner gets an extra pancake?” She shook her head at Micah’s silly proposal, but his sister seemed to agree.

Micah showed her how to make a decent snowball before they all split to different sides of the garden. She hid behind a bush of the winter roses, with all her heart hating the icy feeling of snow against her palms and knees. This was so silly, she; a teacher in her twenties, kneeling behind a bush making balls of snow. She even considered getting up and leaving, but it’s even sillier to quit such childish game because of some snow. Was it not? _There’s nothing wrong with loosening up from time to time._

“Ahh!”, Micah’s voice ranged through the backyard, “I can’t believe I already lost.”

Careful, not to prickle herself on the shrill thorns, she looked up. The siblings stood only few feet from her; their backs turned to her. This was her chance, she thought as she held the snowball slightly harder. The weight of her body moved from her knees to her hills, that dug into the soft ground. Now fully up, she found a cheeky smile take over her face. Her arm swung once again, launching the snow forward with a bit more strength than needed. In a matter of seconds, the white orb hit Castaspella’s back and she watched as the girl leaped forward.

“Like I said it’s fun watching Casta lose.” Micah joked, stacking his tongue out, yet running away as his sister kneeled, rolling more snow in her palm. He was far away, already inside the mansion, before she could even try to throw it at him.

“I’m starting to see the fun of it.” She too teased, leaving her rose coverage behind. The numbness of her fingers forgotten in the rush of excitement and coldness that prickled her nose was surprised by the laughter her little comment received. Castaspella had one of those poisonous laughs, the type that makes your heart flutter and your chest fill with giggles. It was cheerful, refreshful almost. Who would have thought the girl could be anything but tensed?

“Am I really so bad that even you can beat me?”

Her arms crossed in front of her chest, “Now what’s that supposed to mean?”, but nonetheless her voice still held all of earlier playfulness.

“Well, 30 minutes ago you didn’t even know what snowballing was.” She smiled. She truly smiled at something this conservative, rich girl, who barley ever talked to her, said.

“I guess you are that bad.”, just maybe not as bad as she thought.

That peaceful night even with a stomach full of pancakes she couldn’t bring herself to sleep. Moving from her left side to her back to her right side and then other way around. Unable to determine what caused her restlessness she blamed it on the full moon that shined through the glass balcony door like the brightest spell. With a sigh she tossed the covers away and cross the little distance to the exit. Her hands gripped the satin curtains ready to pull them shut and return to the usual darkness when she spotted another figure. Her elbows leaned on the rail, dark hair falling down the creamy robe and she released her grip. Pushing the doors open, she too stepped into the windy night.

“Can’t sleep?” The figure flinched at the sound of her voice, removing her arms from the rail she straightened herself and Light Spinner walked closer, not sticking to her usual side of the balcony. Well, in reality there were no sides, just two doors one terrace, but the unspoken rule still existed.

“The moon’s just so pretty tonight I…umm had to come and get a closer look.” Flustered, Castaspella said, her cheeks had a rosy color, and she couldn’t figure out if it was the coldness or the fact, she got caught doing something seemingly odd in the dead hours of the night. “You?”

“Got tired of useless tossing, so I came to get some fresh air.” _Why did I just…_ Such a simple white lie, yet no real reason to why she said it appeared. Only silence came as she waited for the other woman to say something.

“You know, there’s this old saying…”, the girl looked at her, almost as if waiting for approval to continue. She gave a little nod.

“Well, people used to believe that in the nights of the full moon the whole Mystacor would come alive and those who couldn’t sleep were the ones that held a great evil inside that’s why the good spirits would haunt them.” Alec had already told her this childish story and she was just about to disregard it, barely holding back her eyes so that they wouldn’t roll to the back of her head like they did on so many other Mystacor’s stories.

“but it’s just a story grandparents use to scare the kids into being good.” Castaspella took the words right out of her mouth. Surprised, her lips curled into a smile.

“Really? and here I was about to summon my dark and evil magic when you interrupted me with your little story.”

“Hmm, maybe YOU interrupted me in my evil intentions?” The other woman turned slightly, rising her eyebrows, trying to sound as intimidating as she could, before she burst into laughter. In the nightly hours when the whole mansion slept, her hand flew to her face, mumbling that same smile, she heard this afternoon. Even muffled it held the same energy from before.

A shiver crept up her back as a stronger wave of wind blew. It made the raven hair, that usually stood stiff in a bun fly around. The creamy almost white robe that hugged her, had a deep v neck and Light Spinner found it hard not to run her eyes from the plump lips, down the slim neck, _stop this,_ to the pale skin of her chest, where a star necklace shined. Suddenly like a blow of the wind a thought passed her mind. Was Castaspella always this breathtaking or were her restless eyes trying to make her look for things that weren’t usually there? She was a pretty girl; Light Spinner just didn’t let that thought vocalize even if only inside her mind. It was hard to give beauty to someone who stood against most of your beliefs. Still at the end it did not matter what the girl stood for, she was still beautiful, tonight at least.

She watched as the shorter woman freed her mouth, her finger now passing over the shiny necklace. There was no awkward silence like last time, just simple conversations and cheerful laughter filled the winter quietness. Little white dots started to fly through the sky again, silently nesting inside the pitch-black hair that so freely moved around the face in front of her. She placed her hands inside the pockets of her red gown, but unlike her the other woman didn’t seem to acknowledge the cold drops connecting to her exposed skin.

“How are you liking the snow so far?”

“It’s disgusting. “

Again, piercing through her ears was that joyful sound and she was unable to press the smirk that rose to her lips as she looked down at Castaspella.

“What’s so funny?” First Ones, why were her reactions so intriguing to Light Spinner? Why can’t she look away?

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone describe snow as disgusting…”

“It is, especially when someone throws it at you.”

Next to her the girl scuffled, “I…should…go back inside.”

Her lips pressed together as an odd feeling of longing took over her. She hadn’t even noticed how deprived she was. Deprived of company, the one that didn’t have to go to bed at 11 pm, that wasn’t her boss or her own voice ringing inside her head.

“Good night, Castaspella.”

“Good night.”

Her back replaced the view od her chest and legs moved swiftly, away from this, whatever this was. Even as she walked away, she couldn’t help but to follow her with her eyes. The nob turned and so did Castaspella.

“I…um…prefer Casta.”

Her lips parted, but before she could say anything glass doors closed, and dark curtains were drawn.

_Casta, why do you have to be so like your parents?_


	5. The pretty one that laughed a lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the process of my writing:  
> oo wow i'm so inspiried  
> ohh wow i really can't write  
> eh fuck it i can't get these two out of my head

Headmaster Norwyn had called a lockdown day. The wind was strong, and a big snowstorm was expected to come sometime during the day. It made it impossible for Lexa to come so she had to take care of breakfast and well, everything else. Not that she minded, it was good to have something to do for a change.

“Casta! Casta! You have to try this one.” Micah pleaded for the third time, his spells sparkling through the living room as she sat on the sofa, her hands passing over the photo album. The fireplace was lit, making the fire crack between her brother’s shouts.

“You know I’m not good at it.” Her eyes didn’t even lift from the old dusty pictures.

“Oh, come on…it’s an easy one.” Curious, she glanced at him from the corner of her eye. His hands drew a pink circle and then a tiny triangle right in the middle. It did look easy, but still she did not see a point in learning it. The pink spell dissolved into a little flame that danced on his palm, before turning into bunch of sparkles. It did not crack like the real fire, it was just an illusion, a fun trick nothing more. Yet as Micah sat close to her, his smile big and his eyes sparkling, she did not have a heart to turn him down.

“Alright, alright.”

She followed his tiny voice as it moved through the spell, step by step. Her arm stretched forward; her fingers slightly shaky as she let magic fly through her vines. The odd feeling, she so rarely allowed tingled as it moved through her whole body. Purplish sparkles appeared at the tips of her fingers, but before she could even shape them into a circle a throbbing pain shot through her palm. The sweet feeling of magic disappeared along with the pretty colors.

“What’s wrong?” He was already on his feet, his fingers wrapped around her wrist.

“I…don’t…it feels weird…”

“Like a cramp?” Thick eyebrows rose at her, eager to know the answer, to ease the concern that was so obviously painted on his face. She bit down on her lips trying hard to look composed as she nodded in agreement. The last thing she wanted was to worry the boy. It’s just her stupid, useless magic.

_Castaspella, how many times do I have to tell you not to play with magic? Just forget you have it._ Her father’s old scolding rang somewhere inside her head. She should really start to appreciate his advices. 

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve known…it can happen when you don’t use magic in a long time so a big wave of it all of a sudden can cause it to like get stuck…Light Spinner will know what to do.”

“No. It’s fine I’ll just wait for it to pass.” She’s not going to Light Spinner for a cramp, that’s ridicules, she already embarrassed herself enough.

“You can’t, it can pass only by different spell…”, her best I’m not going look was quickly betraying her as pain grew stronger and her palm trembled, “Trust me. It happened to me once.”

“Well, then you do it.”

“I don’t know how, let’s just go to Light Spinner before it gets worse.” First Ones, help her, “Please, I don’t want you to be in pain because of me.” His voice was determined, yet she still thought he might start to cry right there.

“It’s okay. I’ll go…”

It seemed like her heartbeat was louder than Micah’s rapid knocks on the wooden door. Indeed, the pain got worse and worse with each passing minute and no matter how calm she looked, on the inside she wished nothing more than to disappear.

“It’s open.” Casta barely register Light Spinner’s voice when Micah pushed the doors open, dragging her in.

“Light Spinner, you have to help. I was trying to teach Casta a spell and now her hand, I think it’s the cramp.” He talked so fast she was surprised the teacher managed to understand a single word that passed his mouth, but she knew she did once her veiled face found hers and she had to look down.

“First of all, it’s not called the cramp, second didn’t I send you to do your homework?”

“You did but-“The sentenced stayed unfinished as the older woman rose her eyebrows, her hands crossed in front of her chest, “I’ll go…if you help her.”

“Go on then, I want it finished by lunch.” As fast as his words he disappeared, doors slamming behind him, leaving her there alone with all her humiliation.

She stood still like a statue as Light Spinner moved through the room before sitting down on the edge of her white bed. “Come, sit.”, her hand touched the soft covers, motioning for her.

Hesitated, she walked towards her, sitting down where she was told, right opposite of her. The woman did not waste a single moment, stretching her arm to Casta, waiting for her to give her the trembling hand and she did. Her touch was cold, she noted, realizing she must have been on the balcony before they’ve interrupted her with such a silly problem. Light Spinner’s fingers moved gently around her palm, releasing blue shimmers. She did not draw a spell rather moving her hands over hers, giving her some kind of magical massage. Whatever it was, helped her because at the first relief of tension she found her eyes had closed. Unintentionally, a quiet mutter escaped her, making her eyes fly open with embarrassment and her cheeks burned as she found green eyes staring right at her. How she wished to pull her hand away, but the grip on it was firm.

“It’s alright.”, the woman ensured her. She must have noticed her disturbance. “It’s meant to relax…I had people fall asleep from just one touch.” Her fingers never stopped easing the pain, yet the words did not help her ease her embarrassment. 

“I thought magic wasn’t your thing.” Green eyes once again moved from her fingers to her face, making Casta’s cheeks turn even darker shade of red, she could feel the heat traveling up her ears.

“It’s not, Micah just knows how to annoy until he gets what he wants.”

Veil hid her smile, yet her eyes narrowed slightly, soft wrinkles rounding them, “You’re right about that.”

Her long fingers still worked around hers, the spell relaxing her body, well her brain still rambled over how pathetic she must have looked. A gentle touch traced the scar of her palm, Light Spinner looked at her, but she did not ask and for that Casta was grateful. No need to add past humiliation onto already existing ones.

Why was this spell taking so long? The pain was gone, yet she could still feel the tingle of blue magic. She tried hard not to think about how awkward this is, her eyes scanning the room. It was mostly untouched, only new books filled usually empty shelfs and new sheets covered the bed. Netossa would sleep here when they had sleepovers, she remembered, well that was before her parents made her go back home. Dryl was so far away, but nonetheless her parents had bunch of meetings there. The ones she hadn’t been allowed to attend, but it didn’t matter they’ve promised they will let her come next time. It is only a matter of days now, before she can see her friend face to face, not just her messy letters. Casta even wondered if in 3 years’ time one can forget the sound of someone’s voice.

“There all done.” Light Spinner released her hand, the blue sparkles dying out.

“Thank you…I should…um repay you somehow…” The other woman seemed to consider and Casta waited for her to request something, yet it never came as she just shook her head.

“No need.” The older one of them got up and she quickly followed, straightening her clothes.

“Well, I…thank you again.” She started to walk towards the exit, ready to finally leave. She hoped to forget this whole morning but knowing her brain it’ll just keep repeating every single detail over and over again.

Just as her hand touch the nob, Light Spinner called after her. “Casta…” She turned around to glanced at the woman one more time, “Next time please don’t listen to Micah or more stuff like this might happen…if you want to learn I’ll be willing to show you.”

“I don’t think there will be next time.” She gave one more smile before she stepped outside.

***

_I should repay you somehow._

She pressed her lips together as the words echoed, many ways of repayment appearing inside her mind. Not that any would be voiced. First Ones, was she so desperate that her loneliness, her lust, were making her play so many fantasies at such a simple statement? If she truly thought about it, it has been a long time since she had company, any kind of company. With Micah’s coming, Bright Moon became incredibly busy and Mystacor…well, Mystacor was no place to go around and look for company, at least not that kind of company. So, how could she not come up with a fantasy or two? The girl didn’t make it any easier either, walking around in that reveling nightwear, coming in here, suggesting a repayment while sitting on her bed. _Damn it, Light Spinner._ Casta’s words were nothing more than polite, so, why was she letting them have such an effect on her? She knew well enough the other woman would never look at her that way. The shock on her face as she suggested a marriage between her and Adam’s sister, her words in the kitchen: “ _Even if they offend me too?”_ they were enough to make her annoyed, all desire disappearing, if only until the new wave of loneliness hits the shores of her heart and mind. 

The wind hollowed loudly against the walls as she walked through the corridors and then down the stairs. It was quiet, too quiet knowing Micah was at home with nothing to do, that made her somewhat alarmed especially when she found both the dining room and the kitchen empty. Still, she continued to move through the house. The mansion was so large that she still hadn’t seen most of it. Marble stairs and white walls were filled with gold decorations or rare antiques to show the family’s wealth. She saw something similar when they visited the house at the entrance of the town. Though she very much enjoyed studying the old décor, she found the golden touches to be a bit much, yet what bothered her the most was the emptiness, the quietness of the place. It was all just for show another façade of the rich. In Bright Moon the halls of the castle were always full, advisors, travels, students, princesses, teachers and many others hurried their ways through the corridors. At all times there was business to run, somewhere to be. Her homeland was different from both. Children’s laughter would come through her open window, elders gathering around the Heart-Blossom tree to share the stories of old times. The sun warming her face while she planted the new seeds her neighbor had given her.

Finally, her heart was at peace as she found Micah seated on the couch, same place as last time. His head down on the big book that looked heavy on his knees. He didn’t even acknowledge her presence, until she spoke.

“What are you reading?”

“It’s a photo album…I founded here, Casta must have forgot to put it away.” He crooked his head to the side, “Come.”

Once she settled down next to him, the boy threw one side of the album onto her knees and Light Spinner let her fingers brush over the pictures in front of her, “That’s my first picture with Casta.”, he said as her finger stopped on top of a young girl holding a white puddle from which a little head peaked.

The boy kept flipping the pages stopping here and then to point and comment; “And this was my first day of school.”

“OH, wow…look how handsome you were.” She would say jokingly.

To her surprise it was a delight to pass through the album, catching glimpses of someone’s past. Someone who she had grown quit a fond of in the last few months. She wished more people were like him. He was kind, yet powerful, curiosity run through him, but he always knew when to stop the questions. They could joke around or she could be strict when he did not listen to her, but nonetheless he held respect for her. Even if only a child, he understood when she needed her privacy and when she appreciated to take off her veil and relax. Light Spinner was thankful for that and for the same she cared about him.

“Micah that’s not very polite.” Castaspella called out as the boy run up the stairs as soon as he finished meal.

“Sorry, I’ll stay tomorrow.”

Casta rolled her eyes before looking at her, “Please, excuse him, I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

“Oh, please, there’s no need for such formality.” She insured because for some reason unknown it was starting to bother her that she thought of her as someone who would get offended over something so insignificant. Light Spinner was no snob.

“If you say so…” Pushing her chair away the girl started to lift the plates and take them to the kitchen. Perfect, she thought taking her veil off the table and placing it into the pocket of her dress. She might as well be of some use on this awfully depressing day, she picked the remaining dishes before heading after Castaspella.

The water was already running when she entered, “I hope you don’t mind some extra help.”, the girl looked over her shoulder from her place at the sink.

“You don’t have to.” Casta walked over to her taking the plates out of her hands, but Light Spinner held them tight, “It’s fine.”

It had been only two days since their talk on the balcony, yet this woman and the one from that night were way too different. This one was prim and proper, and well it bored her. Not that she would admit it or anything, but she liked the other one, the fun one she could joke around with. The pretty one that laughed a lot.

Lowering the dishes into the sink she let the girl take over and wash them, but still she stayed close watching as her hands moved under water. It once again made her mind go to this morning’s event and quickly before an image of her imagination could appear, she opened her mouth.

“How’s your hand?”

“I…um, It’s fine, very good…actually.” Stuttering her sentence Light Spinner noticed how her cheeks slowly changed color, just like earlier. She would lie if she said it did not light a tiny bit of intrigue and the smile on her face knew that too.

“You’re lucky, sometimes it can take two to three spells before it goes back to normal.”

“Really?”, she turned her head towards her, her eyes widen with the new knowledge.

“Yeah, my teacher’s wife had a lot of problems with it, so one time she brought her to class and they’ve taught us the spell.” Nonplussed, the girl quickly broke their gaze, returning back to the dishes in front of her. The smile that appeared on her lips mere moments ago fell, remembering how the girl saw the world. No matter how hard she tried to keep her mouth shut, she just couldn’t. “You know there’s nothing wrong with it outside of Mystacor.”

“But it’s…” She stopped for a second, her hands freezing under the running water as she probably looked for a word to use so she doesn’t offend her. “…unnatural.”

Light Spinner closed her fist as she listened the girl repeat her father’s words, she shouldn’t have started this conversation, yet it was to late to just back down. “Well, how about we look at it this way…You have feelings, so do I, so does Micah and so on, they’re a part of us from the moment we’re born, right?” Casta closed the water, returning her gaze back to her she nodded. “So, if two people develop feeling for each other how can it be unnatural?”

This time the lock of their eyes was unbroken, yet the other woman kept quiet for so long she was ready to mark this conversation as over and leave. Then there it was, steady, but unsure.

“When you put it like that, it can’t…”

“How else would you put it?” All she got was a shrug of shoulders and she tried hard not to let her frustration come out now. Maybe she can make progress with her, just like she did with Micah, it’s not like he knew any better than what he had been learned, yet kids are easier to relearn than adults. There minds still open to new ways.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you don’t know because you just repeat what you heard a hundred times before, you can’t defend your points because they aren’t your words. You don’t have to listen to my words either, just know that there are more views than the ones your parents see.”

“How…” It was barely above a whisper, almost as if she wasn’t supposed to say it out loud. Casta’s cheeks flushed once again and she lowered her head, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt, but in the next second, to Light Spinner’s surprise, she looked up again, her voice stronger now, “How can one know which are wrong and which aren’t?”

“Knowledge, the real one. You can’t learn by listening to people who don’t know nothing on the subject.”

With that she let the girl return to her chores as she found comfort in the warmth of her bed. She hoped by the conversation they’ve just had her mind would let go of the unexpected attraction it found, yet in that moment her fantasies felt much more vivid than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't LS just kiss her to prove her point...  
> also i want a magic lesbian massage is that too much to ask


	6. The tension of the house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort where we overlap.   
> Ani DiFranco
> 
> sorry for any mistakes it's too late here and i'm too tired to go over it again...

“No, you have to make this shar- “She started to draw over Micah’s paper just as more shouts came from the office opposite of the dining room. Frustrated, she held the pen tighter, pressing it so hard against her skin that her knuckles turned white, “this line needs to be sharper, try again.” The tightness of her voice could not be dismissed no matter how hard she tried and she tried if only for the boy’s sake.

Micah took the pen from her and slowly started to redraw his parallelogram, his hand shaky as his head moved up from the paper towards the shouting and then down again, so on and on. These conditions were impossible, she thought as she placed her hand onto the boy’s back,” Just focus on the angles, you need to get them right.”, trying to give him somewhat of a comfort. His parents came for just one day and yet they rose the tension of the house by a hundred.

The shouting has been going on for 15 minutes, only growing louder and louder, she could not make out what they were saying. Trouble in the heavenly perfect marriage, she guessed. It’s not like she cared, well she wouldn’t if it weren’t affecting Micah and their studies. Couldn’t the two of them fight somewhere else?

The pen fell from Micah’s hand just when the doors swung open. The spell was left unfinished as Alec stormed out of the office, his face almost red with anger, yet running behind him was not the woman she expected.

“But dad…” Castaspella’s voice ranged before she even stepped outside and like her brother Light Spinner couldn’t stop but to watch the scene that played in front of her.

“I won’t hear another word about this!” It echoed through the mansion and not only did the girl flinch so did Micah. She let her hand squeeze his shoulder, they shouldn’t be watching this.

Dead silence fell over the house. Casta stood frozen, her fist closed as she watched her father walk out the house, the doors slamming hard behind him, penetrating through the quietness. A figure in the middle of the room seemed totally unaware of the eyes that were glued to her, brown looking for answers and green unsure of what they wished to know.

Should she make their presence known? It looked like Micah thought the same as his sister’s name left his mouth. The girl’s head turned quickly, her face widen and lips parted, but she did not say a word. Before either of them knew, she moved up the stairs, disappearing behind a wall. Too bad she didn’t take the shock of the situation with her.

“Why don’t we continue?”

For the rest of the day there was no sign of the girl, even as she and Micah stood in the garden saying goodbye to his parents, she did not come.

“Should I go get Casta?”, the boy asked happily as he handed the last bag to his mother.

“Let her be.” Talia replied, her voice monotonous, uninterested and Light Spinner was glad she put on her veil before coming otherwise it would have been harder to hide the way her lips curled with disgust.

“Are you sure she probably fell asl- “

“No need to defend her, Micah.” Alec placed a heavy hand onto his shoulder. “Practice your spells, okay?”, usually there was a hug or a kiss or something to show their goodbye, this time only meaningless words as if he was his teacher not his father.

The boy’s smile disappeared from his face, shoulders slanted down,” I will.” Her lips curled furthermore.

“Light Spinner.”, nod of her head was all she gave him as she stepped closer to Micah. He waved as they’ve watched them get smaller and smaller until they were so far away, they couldn’t see them anymore.

The sun was settling down, the pastel Mystacor sunset almost completely turned into dark blue soon to be black, “Let’s go back inside.”, with the light gone so was the little warmth it offered during the winter times. She did not know it could get so cold on this floating island nor that it could snow so much that her boots would almost fully sink into the soft ground. What she knew and what she looked forward to were Mystacor’s springs, but only when the snow melts and winter roses die will the vibrant colors of grass and flowers take over the garden. Birds will chirp and butterflies will fly as she and Micah practice their shiny illusions. Many say this is one of the most beautiful places to be during the warmer seasons and she was yet to experience it.

For now, she’ll had to settle with the cracking of fire and warm dinner that was already waiting for them as they’ve stepped inside, its smell filled the air and somehow the mansion seemed much more alive in that moment than mere hours ago. In spite of that Micah was her only company at the table. With the maid heading to her own home and three seats, that were filled this morning, empty, she took away her previous thought away, coming to terms that in fact it was emptier than usual.

Light Spinner loathed this whole place more than anything else. The same way the joy of snowballing or watching the moon with Casta satisfied her so did the negative energy of the family tingled with her nerves. Her heart tightening as she had to spend her day watching Micah’s miserable expression.

When Castaspella didn’t join them for lunch it wasn’t much of a surprise, not after that scene they’ve pulled out this morning, but now when the parents were gone, she expected her to be here. She couldn’t place why, it’s not like she had any right to expect anything from her. Still, she hoped they would end up in the kitchen again, her words provoking the girl’s narrow points as she moved her hands over the shiny plates. Maybe she thought she might let her hear that cheerful laughter one more time, to help her lift the cursed energy that roamed around her, like the darkest shadows.

_Why in Etheria am I thinking about this?_ It shouldn’t be a big deal it’s not like Castaspella is the first woman who she thought about without particularly liking her. There was this girl from her school days, Ina, she recalled. First ones, she was an annoying snob, yet she remembers having daydreams about her when the classes got boring, when days got long and when desire would take over. Nonetheless she cursed her lustful mind and that damn night on the balcony…and those soft hands, the skin exposed and most of all she cursed a thought…a thought of Casta lying with her black hair against the white sheets of Light Spinner’s bed, that one came to her mind too often _. It’s not a big deal_ , she once again ensured herself, but she wasn’t a school girl anymore and Casta wasn’t Ina. Casta was a good person or at least she came off as one, she was just wrong sometimes, well with most of their conversations. Still she couldn’t hold it against her for long.

“Light Spinner.” Micah’s voice pulled her out of the mess that were her thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“I said I’ve finished the spell drawing.”

With a sight she unhooked her veil and threw it to a little night stand. Along with a yawn her arms stretched above her head, today’s tiredness falling over her body. The air felt colder than it did on most of the nights and she moved her sloppy feet through the room looking for an extra blanket. She wished nothing more than to find it and nestle into the warmth of her bed. That king size bed, that was most certainly too fancy for a tutor like her, was the only good thing in the whole entire mansion.

 _Finally_ , she thought as she pulled another white blanket out of the closet, yet as she passed near the glass doors, she forgot all about her intention her eyes catching a glimpse of the creamy robe that was in her mind too thin for the low temperatures. The blanket thrown on the bed as she touched the cold metal nob, she just held it for a few moments before pulling the doors open.

“Isn’t it a bit cold for that?”, her fingers still gripped the icy metal, only her head peeking out into the snowy night.

“I…I don’t mind.” Just when she expected to be greeted by a chuckle or if lucky enough Casta’s laughter, the shakiness and crack of voice made all her expectations fall into water.

“Are you crying?”, her boots stepped out, clinking as she walked across the terrace.

“Ah…sorry…I’ll just- “

Stopping right behind her, she let her fingers lightly press the girl’s arm, “It okay…parents can be a lot.”

Unlike the last time when laughter broke the silence this time it was a sob a quiet, painful sob. She didn’t think this was what she’ll find when she opened the door, if she had than she probably wouldn’t even think about opening them, yet she couldn’t just turn around. Unsure of what to say, she hardened her grip, pulling Casta close until she could feel her body against her. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders, the girl standing stiff before another sob left her. It sent vibrations through her and she felt her arms close around her back. First Ones, she felt so small, so vulnerable and Light Spinner, she was not equipped for this.

“They’ll forgive you, I’m sure.”, a fruity smell filled her nostrils and she tried hard not to focus on how perfectly it fitted with Casta. How sweet, yet exotic. Softness curled around her fingers as wind made curly hair pass over her hand.

A warm breath tingled her neck, “Maybe I’m the one that needs to give forgiveness.”, then she was pulled away, the smell vanishing as if it was never there, the soft feeling of her wavy hair nothing more than a ghost on her arm.

“Well, then I say don’t.”, eying her, Casta wiped the wet tears with the back of her hand, chuckling sadly at her comment. Could these low temperatures turn tears into icy, freeze them against the flushed cheeks and puffy eyes?

Brown shined with water still threatening to spill , “I’m sorry, I should…um leave you be.”

“For someone who’s supposed to give forgiveness, you’re sure to apologize a lot.”

“I’m- “

Her eyebrow rose, “Sorry?”, a smirk taking over her face as Casta lowered her head hiding a blush that crept over her tearful face.

“That’s not what I was going to say.” Their gaze connected once again and desire to hug her again was strong, almost to hard to fight it. Almost.

Her hands went up in a defensive way, “Whatever you say…”, playfulness filling her weary voice, hiding her wishes.

Perhaps she was equipped, perhaps it’s not hard when you know the goal that is that smile, perhaps she liked this feeling of giving comfort, of someone finding it in her or maybe she too needed to feel somebody close even if only in platonic way, even if in a hug few seconds long. So, when Casta smiled at her how was she to know which one was true, perchance it was a mixture of all.

“Good night, Light Spinner.”

“Good night.” Her tiredness was forgotten along with the blanket that was messily laying on her bed. She didn’t want to go, yet all she could do is watch as the other woman stood still despite her greetings. Her mouth opened for a second, but then she closed them again and Light Spinner wished she had said what she wanted to, then they might have stayed there for a moment longer. A few more seconds to enjoy the view of raven hair moving with the wind, but instead she watched it walk away, out of reach. Another glass door closed and more curtains shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am i the only one who thinks it would be nice if you could text people on ao3?
> 
> still no kiss don't kill me, pls


	7. The sweet taste of chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But when they see you you're always alone  
> you won't even talk to us  
> you're so cute and so boring  
> And I don't know who is crazy enough  
> to fall in love with you  
> when there's something missing in your head  
> ...  
> And I'm crazy again  
> cause I'm in love with you  
> because only I am misssing in your head  
> ...  
> I will pick two May roses  
> roses to cover your hair with gold  
> I'll call the musicians to  
> follow us through the city tonight  
> Neither ice cold nor boring  
> you won't be  
> (translated from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPKYVN3y5zM, this song reminds me of them so much)
> 
> once again sorry if there are any mistakes

Losing count, that’s what she was doing, losing count on how many times she either embarrassed herself or put herself in an awkward situation with Light Spinner’s presence near. She must think of her as a spoil brat or perhaps she found her to be foolish. Not that she was wrong, nonetheless when her father said they won’t take her to see Netossa, she lost her temper. It was wrong, especially doing so in front of Micah and his teacher, but they’ve promised. _You’ll go next time,_ they always say _, next time, Casta,_ only it never comes. Nothing ever works out the way she wants it to. Possibly nothing will ever work out the way she wants it to.

Twice she helped her, twice had Casta managed to annoy her and still…still, she stayed with her last night in the freezing cold, offering her comfort. No matter how embarrassing it felt, in the end she was glad Light Spinner found herself there. Her hug was genuine, warm, so warm it was heartfelt, she appreciated it just like she appreciated her not asking about the scar. All she done for her, the apology, the spell, the hug, it did not go unnoticed by her if anything it made her feel better, almost as if someone had finally noticed her feelings too and Casta what did Casta do. She didn’t even say thank you, she returned no favors. Nothing. For that reason, guilt started to prickle her heart, making her anxious.

"Micah, what does Light Spinner like?" She asked as she was brushing through brown hair preparing to put it into a bun.

"Umm she likes flowers and tea...and books, I guess." A quick movement of her hand and the hair tie sealed his significant look. "Why do you ask?"

"I feel like I should thank her for helping me...with my hand."

"That's nice of you." His smile made her smile too, "I'd love to help but Kawan is already waiting for me."

"It's fine, just be back for dinner."

"I will. I will." He ensured her before placing a kiss onto her cheek and practically running through the door. First Ones, sometimes she really wished she had his enthusiasm. They way everything was good in his eyes. What she would do to experience the carelessness of his life. If only for one day to be as free as he was…

The doors closed and she was once again left to her thoughts. Flowers...there's only winter roses, she realized. They were too hard to maintain to just cut them now. Besides they'll just dry out and die, losing their beautiful colors. Maybe a gift, a book...Casta had a lot of books, but then again Light Spinner most likely won't like her reading taste. She might even offend her. Yes, that's definitely to happen. What about tea? Perhaps that was her best choice, but still she can't just gift her a bag of tea, she'll think of her as weird. _Think, Casta._ She could invite her for a cup of tea, that seemed like a more appropriate approach and she could make cookies. Everyone likes that, don't they? 

***

It was a quiet afternoon, Micah had asked her for a free day, something about a friend of his and she didn't have a heart to refuse him, not when she too recognized he deserved some time off. He was still just a kid, she knew, yet she still regretted the fact she had nothing to do now.

A walk would do her good, but with a weather like this she had no desire to leave the warm bedroom. All her books were already finished and to get a new one she'll have to go to the library which would mean going outside, which means she crossed that too. 

Turning her head towards the glass door, she found the terrace to be empty. Of course, it would be.

With a sigh she let her head hit the pillow, she would take a nap, but she wasn't tired nor sleepy. She was just bored, if only she was at Bright Moon now, she would have something to do, somewhere to be, still she would feel out of place there just like she did here.

**Her lips tasted syrupy from the bittersweet wine that rested in her hand. Where her back stood firm against the wall her eyes stormed through the room. There, in a great ball room of Bright Moon, where everyone laughed, in the crowd of bodies her face could be found stoic, bored almost. On the polished floor, where the same bodies that formed the crowd of people brushed against each other, swinging with the music, touching, kissing, she kept still against the wall, alone.**

**When she would move to get a refill of her slim glass, she could catch their eyes on her unveiled face, such a rare opportunity for her Bright Moon colleagues. The hairs on the back of her neck would rise. Their muffled whispers filled her ears just as now full glass touched her lips and once it was glurped empty, her legs would slip through the room out in the hallway filled with guards, up the stairs, left and right to her corridors.**

**In the dark of her room, away from the piercing eyes, the formal clothes would be stripped. The locks of her hair hugging her as she stepped inside her bed. The comfort of the wine in her blood system would soon take over her and impatiently she would wait for it. Trying hard not to linger on the fact she continued to give these parties a try and every single time she ended with hating them even more.**

**She didn’t fit in with the royal family nor the fancy teachers she worked with nor the kids in her class that looked at her weird and gossip about her hard demands as soon as her back was turned to them. No one understood her calling, they saw her ambition as strictness, her criticism as meanness. All she was to them was a foreigner, a stuck up Plumerian.**

A knock on the door and her head shot up from its place on the bed, her legs that were dangling from the edge now stood firm against the floor and she crossed the short path to the doors as quick as lightning.

"Castaspella? Do you need something?" She wasn't sure why she was so surprised to see her on the other side, only she and Lexa were left in the house, yet Casta was the one she didn't expect.

"Yes. I mean no...", her hands were folded in front of her and Light Spinner caught the way she played with the ring on her hand. At her contradicting words she narrowed her thick eyebrows. "Sorry...", the girl really apologized for every single thing, "I wanted to ask you if you'd like to join me for a cup of tea." 

She was taken back by the request, but she did not let it show on her face as she eyed the shorter woman, who awkwardly waited for an answer, her lips pressed together, still fidgeting with the ring.

"Don't mind if I do.", she took a step forward, letting the warmth of her room close behind her.

Casta turned her head to the side as they've walked down the stairs, "I hope I didn't disturb you.", her eyes were always so apologetic. So easy to look at, but still she would feel like she didn’t even scratch their surface, her act of the prim and proper.

_You worry too much_ , "On the contrary." Looking at her face she barley realized her legs were already on the last step, "I must admit today was a quite boring day...What do you usually do?"

The girl shrugged her shoulders, "Depends.", she can't believe her parents let her spent 8 months here with no one but Lexa's occasional company, "I made cookies today."

"Really?" Light Spinner flashed her a smile, her voice almost sounding provoking.

"Yes, they're right here.", Casta pushed the pantry doors open, letting them step inside and there on the kitchen counter on a transparent plate, just like she said, stood freshly baked cookies. Their smell lingering in the air.

Castaspella moved hurriedly from her side and walked over to the sink, filling a kettle, her back turned to her as she took one cookie between her thumb and index finger. They were still warm against her skin and the girl could not see the grin that tingled her face.

"Hmm, I might start to think you made all of this for me.", She joked just before the sweet taste of chocolate filled her mouth, but as Casta turned around, her back and palms pressed against the sink as she looked at her with her cheeks flushed, her face turned more serious.

"I kind of did.", her chest fluttered. What in Etheria was happening? Was this some kind of a dream? Are they going to- "I mean I wanted to thank you." _Oh_. The high of the excitement dropped, but she once again didn't let it show in her expression. How could she even for a second think the girl wanted to spend time with her just because? There was always something behind it. 

"You already thanked me, twice if I remember right."

"I know, but still...", Her voice was quieter, head lowering, "What kind of tea do you like?", she tried to turn the conversation around, her awkward voice almost making her wince.

Seeing her uncomfortable state, she too went on with her change of subject, "Which ones do you have?" She watched as Casta opened one cabinet, closed it and then moved to another and another and, "Is everything alright?", loud slams ranged.

"Ah, yes...mother just switched things up when she was here, I still haven't gotten used to it." She stopped at the fourth cabinet and Light Spinner's eyebrows rose as she watched the girl stand on the tip of her toes, but still missing the box for a few millimeters. Nonetheless, she tried once again, her arm stretching high as the other one used the counter for support, then both would fall loose with a sigh while her hills would once again drop to the floor. Unable to watch anymore without bursting into laughter she got up and walked over to help her. 

"Let me.", instinctively she placed her hand onto Casta's lower back as the girl did not have time to move, pressed lightly against the counter, before she too had to stand on her toes to get the red box of cherry tea off the top shelf. Her attempt went much better and the container was set next to the sink with her hand resting on top of it, the placement of her other hand finally coming to her mind.

She shouldn't have looked down because as she saw Castaspella looking up at her with those amber eyes, dark lips slightly parted, a stupid thought passed her brain. A thought she shouldn't have acted

on, but it was so tempting, so close that her head had to lower and it did not stop. Not until her lips were pressed against the parted ones, the hand that rested on the shorter woman pulled her slightly closer. She tasted sweeter than the chocolate cookies, but she stood stiff too stiff against her and she tried to figure out an excuse before she had to pull away. Then she felt it, such a light, gentle movement over her lips she almost thought it wasn't there, but it was and it even made her lighten her own pressure as she continued to brush her lips against Casta's, taking in her sugary taste. Her other hand let go of the tea box, slowly rising and just when it was about to connect with a hot cheek, the sound of the front doors opening made the shorter woman pull away, her eyes widened with shock and her breathing rapid. She didn't even have time to comprehend what was happening, stuck in moment already seconds away, before the girl disappeared from under her and Lexa stepped inside the kitchen.

"I'm sorry I was at the store.", in the corner of her eye the maid started to tie her apron, "Do you need something?", but it was Casta who still had her attention, well the back that was turned to her.

"I was just showing Light Spinner where the tea was." Castaspella spilled out, her voice shaky as she was showing the tea box to the maid, who stepped closer, to take it from her. Lexa didn’t even notice it, but she knew and she knew that the reason for it was her and that…that made blood rush fast through her veins, desired filled excitement forming.

"I can finish from here" She watched as the girl nodded, before quickly walking away, out of her sight.

Even as Casta didn’t come down for dinner nor at the balcony, Light Spinner’s excitement stayed while in the dark of her room she closed her eyes. Rising her fingers, she let them brush lightly over her lips, remembering the gentle brush of black lipstick. In her rush of pleasure, she didn’t even surmise that only a wall away the same girl that brought a smile to her face had been crying herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo...here we are


	8. The consequences of her acts

> Put your arms around somebody else  
> Don't punish yourself, punish yourself  
> Truth is like blood underneath your fingernails  
> And you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself  
> Looking too closely  
> And I could be wrong about anybody else
> 
> So don't kid yourself, kid yourself  
> It's you right there, right there in the mirror  
> And you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself
> 
> -Fink, looking too closely

Red, puffy eyed reflection stared back at her until she could no longer stand to look at it, turning her back to it, the disgust never left her. She looked at the satin curtains pulled so close together that no light could enter even though the sun had already rose.

She did not deserve to look at the sun nor the stars around the moon. If there's anything Casta wished and deserved it was to rot in this darkness. How easy it would be if she could stop thinking, to just disappear so that she will never have to live with the consequences of her acts, to never take responsibility.

IT WAS NOT HER FAULT, her fist closed hard, knuckles white, nails digging for blood. Light Spinner she...she was the one in the lead. This was all some bizarre and twisted plot to prove her point, to turn her sinister, Casta was sure of it and she let her do it, weak and uncapable. Why didn't she slap her, pushed her away like she did Adam? Why did she let it last as long as it did and why, oh why did she kissed her back? Where was the disgusting feeling in the pit of her stomach when their lips moved in perfect sync?

It was only later, when she was alone with her mind that it came, eating her alive, slipping through her eyes and mouth with muffled sobs and salty tears that came with so much emotion, she could not detect them all. Still, they've dried her eyes, drained her soul and left her numb.

It was only when she looked herself in the mirror that it came, filling her numbness as her heart squeezed with cold and dark loathing. Who was this person stating back at her? She could not recognize her, but she knew she was not like Light Spinner, she was never like her and she will never be like her, brown eyes burned through her own reflection. She was Casta, Casta who lost her virginity to a boy that climbed through her window as her parents were halfway across Etheria while Lexa was making her dinner only stairs away. She was Casta, the one that cried for days as her boyfriend left her to join the army. Yes, that's who she was, yet never before has she noticed the way someone's lips tasted. She could not recall no matter how hard her mind worked, just the chocolate taste still seemed to haunt her, even as she brushed her teeth with bitter toothpaste. None of her kisses had her stomach fluttered the way it did as Light Spinner crushed her lips. _Those were just the nerves._

Another, perhaps even more terrifying thought filled her racing minds. What if they hadn't heard Lexa and she caught them or worse Micah could've seen. How would she explain it to them? Her parents they would have found out for sure. She could still tell them, tell them it wasn't her fault, that she forced herself onto her, twist the truth just a little bit and her father would have her fired in a matter of seconds. He'll do it for her, she knows he would. Still, Light Spinner to held her truth, the one in which she participated too. She could so easily use it against Casta. Her parents, they would disown her, she would never be allowed to see her brother again, not that she would blame them. Look at her, she was abnormal. They should never forgive her, she can’t even do it so, how would they. Besides she didn’t deserve to even ask for it.

It was impossible to explain that her lips moved against her will. She just didn't know, another tear rolled down her cheek, she didn't know what else to do, the fingers that dug into her palm fell loose, she was so fucking ill-advised, stepping into such spiteful acts. When did she stoop so low?

Nerves felt much different when they were kissing and while she was walking down the stairs, walking like sharp glass was under her feet and like fire came from behind her. The blood rushed rapidly through her, heart beating hard against her chest, loud in her ears, her sweaty fingers trembled and all with the thought that she didn't know what to do when they meet again. Breakfast was already over, there shouldn't be anyone on her way. All she had to do was get her coat and she would be out the doors.

The coat was tied tight, the nob on the door turned, one foot already on the porch, she was so close, but nothing is ever easy for her, not even stepping outside. 

"Hey." Fingers wrapped around her arm, the voice giving away their identity before she even had to turn around. She didn’t want to look, her shame rising to her cheeks, her body unbendable under her touch.

For a split moment it was almost as if she was frozen, unable to do anything, but as soon as the grip on her arm vanish, her legs came to their senses and finally she was standing on the porch, just not how she planned. Turning around, she found Light Spinner too, stepped forward, the hand on the nob pulled the doors until they've shout with a click and Casta took a step back, green eyes pierced through her. She should have stayed hidden in the darkness.

“Can we talk?”, Light Spinner threw her head back as if checking if the doors had ears before she looked back at her, “about you know what…” First Ones, was this the start of her punishment.

“I rather hoped we could forget it.”, to her luck her voice stood firm.

The older woman did not seem to give much of a reaction to her words, yet it’s not like she could even tell from the purple veil that hide most of her face. “Yes, Of course.”

Not knowing what to do with herself anymore, she took another step back, the hill of her boots standing on the edge of the first step, “I’m in…” her hand rose and she pointed it behind her back, her eyes still glued to the taller woman, “Should go.”

Her feet moved swiftly through the garden ignoring how they kept slipping deep under the snow. _Please don’t say anything, anymore._

She walked and she walked, out the fence, not turning to look behind, onto the clean road to the town center, down the stone streets, through the park and then straight forward until her eyes caught the blue waves. They made loud, intimidating sounds as they’ve hit the shore, yet they were beautiful, peaceful in a way. She liked it here even with the snow and cold wind, it was the best place in all of Mystacor, empty like she hoped it would be, it felt almost as if the was only hers, her little secret. Her place filled with only one good memory, that brought nostalgic tears.

**The sun tingled her face, her feet under the warm sand. A big wave splashed, sending drops of salty water to her red face. Kids her age laughed while running, catching their colorful beachballs and impatiently she waited, turning her head left and right, looking for a face in the crowd.**

**“Here you go.”, it finally came, only from behind her, carrying her ice cream. Green ice cream, she doesn’t like the pistachio one, but it did not matter. Casta still took it from her father’s hand as he sat next to her on their red towel.**

**It was such a hot day it melted all over her chin no matter how fast she ate. Still, it did not bother her as she was only focused on her father’s stories, the ones about the far away cliffy land of Dryl. Netossa came from that kingdom which made it even more exciting to learn about it and father never took time to tell her stories. His were much better than Lexa’s, she figured.**

**“Will you be back before my birthday?”, Her eyes sparkled with joy. She wished every day was today because today was such a good day. She didn’t recall the last time she and dad spent time together without him getting mad at her, but recently Casta had been working hard on trying to not be disobedient. Her heart hurt when they yelled at her and sometimes Lexa would have to bring her dinner to her room because she was acting so out of place her parents had to punish her somehow. It was awful, even though the maid would sneak her candy here and then. Especially, she didn’t like when it would get dark and she would have nothing to do. Darkness was boring, when she’s old enough they’ll move her room to the one with a big balcony, that way she’ll be able to see the moon even in her punishment.**

**“We will.” His voice sounded so promising, she squeezed her little hand around his, what child would ever doubt their father’s words. How could she have even thought that there was a chance she’ll be spending her birthday with no one but Lexa, again. There was no reason to suspect that to happen even though in the end it always did.**

As the memory vanished into the past with a louder swash of the wave, she was left with nothing but her soaking wet face. Mystacor’s significant colors already painted the sky despite of the early hour, it’s what winter tags along with the joy of snow, a price you got to pay for some fun.

Only few more swashes and she was on her way back to the park, up the small streets to the center and then on to the road slowly to her house, it was the path she knew better than the back of her hand, how many times she walked it, sprinted through it as she was trying to get home on time, she passed it alone and she passed it with all sorts of people. It was all always the same as it was different, just as everything is. Every new-

“Casta, dear!” a familiar old voice called for her and she turned around with a genuine smile.

“Mrs. Maris.”, she was a nice older lady, her family living only a few houses down where she used to play with her children. The first thing that always came to Casta’s mind when she thought of her were her apple pies and warm hugs. Her children were much better guests than Adam, they would even bring special gifts for her, that would leave her content for days, if not months.

“I was just about to visit you.”, their arms intertwined, “You remember my boy…of course you do, while let me tell you dear, I’ve just became a grandma.”

“Congratulations. I’m truly happy for you.” And she didn’t lie, it was the good news to fill her miserable day with. Mrs. Maris would make a good grandma and now that her husband was gone, she deserved it even more than before. Casta could be happy about someone else even though she was more than unhappy with herself.

“We are throwing a party tomorrow; you know how it goes.” They’ve walked slowly, her own mansion showing in the distance, “You must come.”

“We will, I promise.”, she tapped her arm lightly as they have stopped in front of her yellowish house.

“Good, good.” Casta watched her as she slowly stepped inside her garden, walking towards her front doors almost as if she forgot that she was standing there. It must come with the age, “Oh, I almost forgot.”, the older woman turned to look at her once again and she couldn’t help, but to smile at her delightful voice. “Bring that new teacher you hired, I’d love to meet her.” With that she lastly reached her doors and disappeared just like her smile.

For a few long moments, she had managed to put Light Spinner out of her mind, now their moment in the kitchen played through her brain again, as she walked towards her mansion, that was quickly becoming bigger and bigger. Her heart once more fasting its speed, so close she could her Micah’s yells from the garden mix with her obnoxiously loud heartbeat. Only two more steps until she most likely finds him practicing his spells with _her_ presence there and for a second the thought had her stop in her tracks as to compose herself, to catch a breath. One step forward, her fist squeezing inside the pockets of her black coat, one more and-

“Casta!”, she forced a smile, stepping through the open gate, catching Light Spinner’s gaze and Micah’s shouts, “Where were you? I want to show you a new spell.” His hands moved through the air creating a big parallelogram.

“I saw Mrs. Maris, she invited us to a party, tomorrow.”

The pink drawing turned into a bunch of sparkles and Micah’s face dropped, “You didn’t watch the angle.”, his teacher scolded from her place at the bench, her gaze finally leaving her alone. No one was really paying attention to her anymore and she took the chance to move from the garden and towards the porch, stopping only shortly.

“Light Spinner, you’re invited too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing from Casta's POV really hits hard sometimes  
> i mean hearbreak scale:  
> 4\. little casta eating the ice cream she doesn't like so she can spend time with her dad  
> 3\. little casta thinking she's all bad but in reality she's just mistreated  
> 2.little casta wanting the balcony in her room so she can look at the moon vs grown up casta pulling her curtains because she's subconsciously trying to punish herself  
> 1\. Casta blaming herself for freaking everything


	9. The topic that was being brought up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Birds born in cages think freedom is a crime

> I feel bad again
> 
> circling around you like an evil wolf
> 
> because there's so much to say
> 
> But there's no words, words to tell the truth
> 
> -translated from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fksAHsB5okg

Tap, tap, tap. Her high hells hit against the floor near her bed as she eyed herself in the mirror. Red lips pressed together in a nervous matter before she hid them behind a veil, eyebrows slightly up. Long black silk fell down her body, gold hugging her neck, circling her fingers. It was supposed to leave her content, satisfied, yet all she ached for was to strip the fancy clothes off, put the shiny jewelry back in a box, to pull her hair down from the high ponytail and to hide under the white covers of her bed. They were warm and they did not look at her or ask her all sorts of questions. They didn't scramble through her private life; they were just there where she won't be in a few seconds. They were simply objects, nothing at all. That was exactly what she herself sometimes felt. How could Light Spinner not when she knew how they would look at her, like she was a new vase from another land, how they would talk about her, look for her every move, critic it like she was a new piece in an old music composition. Raising off the bed, she looked herself up and down one last time, _what a waste of time._

The yellow house was much different from what she imagined it would be, it had a garden, but it wasn’t as big as the mansion she currently lived in. Inside, from what she managed to see so far, walls were decorated with pictures rather than gold and antiques. It smelled of warm cakes mixed with sourly wine in her hand. Its owner was an old woman, with hair as white as the snow outside, she greeted them all with a hug, even Light Spinner who she did not know. She had that mild almost earthy smell, the one so characteristic for elderly people, it was like your own grandma was hugging you.

“Plumerian if I am not mistaken?” she took her hand guiding her further inside with a wide smile on her wrinkled old face.

“Umm, yes. How did yo- “

“Well the veil, of course.” Mrs. Maris shook her head, looking at her as if she was a silly child. “My sister was married off to a Plumerian, the women in his family followed traditions…that’s how I knew, my dear.”

Light Spinner opened her mouth to say something, but before she could Micah appeared next to the older woman, catching her free hand. “You never told us that.” He looked like a little man, dressed in his tuxedo with a black bow tie that caught her eye because of the way it was a slightly crooked, half of his hair pulled in a tight bun.

With a loud chuckle they’ve stopped next to one of the circle tables, “And wouldn’t you like to know everything?”, her hand was untangled and she watched as wrinkly fingers pinched Micah’s cheek before slowly walking to another table.

Lexa, who she didn’t except to be invited, sat opposite of her, leaving Micah on her right and Casta on her left side. She could barely take her eyes off the shorter woman and she wondered if she knew what she was doing to her by wearing that A-line dress in a maroon red color, tight around her chest and then fluttery from her hip down to her knees. It hugged her in all the right places, exposed just a modest amount, maybe a bit more with her hair high and the rest was left to imagination. Not that she recently had any problems with imagination, it worked too well if you ask her.

The kiss, the one she was supposed to forget, made everything even worse for her playfully teasing, sometimes annoying mind. It also made everything worse between the two of them and just when she was starting to get fond of their little balcony talks followed by the squabbling of their different opinions. Perhaps she would have forgotten if that soft brush didn’t give her enough courage to ponder, they were more similar than either of them thought. She wouldn’t have kissed back just because, nothing was just because with Casta, she thought through every single word before saying it, yet as nice as it felt to kiss her, she can’t deny the fear in her eyes, the tension of her arm as she touched her. Unfortunately, she can’t even deny the awkwardness that did not waste time in coming back, maybe that was the worst of it all or maybe it was the fact she saw Castaspella already started to find ways in which she can avoid her and it had been only two days.

Light Spinner still didn’t distinguished what came to her when she kissed her, she knew well enough if the girl said anything she would be fired, no more shaping great talent, no more friendly apprentice for her, but she also knew that the girl won’t say anything, not if it meant admitting what happened, not when she told her herself that she wished to forget. Still, she did not want to pretend like it didn’t happen, when it did, and there must be a reason to why she kissed back, she couldn’t just forget when she finally felt like she scratched the surface of her act, not when she started to see what Casta was trying to do. She’s not blind to what was unfolding before her eyes and she couldn’t, would not, turn her back on it. The shock, the fear, tension and denying, who knows what else, but it all pointed to the same. Castaspella couldn’t accept herself, not for what she was and that made Light Spinner hate her parents, hate the whole society more than she already did. She could be wrong about her, but the signs were there and if she was right…if she calculated it correctly…that would mean Casta was so fucked up by the world she…No one should ever go through that.

Both Lexa and Micah had run off somewhere, allowing her a chance to spend some time with Casta, who acted like she wasn’t even there watching the dancing crowd, nodding her head to the music that filled the air like the people filled the large room. It was her first opportunity in two days, even if for a small talk, she’ll take anything.

“Do you get invited to a lot of parties?” _I hope not…_

“Well my parents are popular through Mystacor, so there’s quite a few.” Light Spinner turned her head to look at her, but Casta’s kept straight forward watching the dancefloor. Always the same dancing crowd at every event, the drunk, laughing, too touchy crowd that made her eyes roll.

“You like them…the parties?”

At last she crooked her head, raising black eyebrows at her, “Doesn’t everyone?”

“Umm…No…” Light Spinner dragged her answer, making it sound more like a question than a statement.

“No way…What’s there not to like? “, the girl started to ramble, her voice higher to add to her dramatic reaction,” There’s food and alcohol and nice music”, she stretched her fingers as if she was counting while she furthered her list.” What do you mean no?”

She could only laugh softly at her demandingly exaggerated question and the fact that for once in her life she found melodrama to be kind of…adorable, “Can’t you do all of that at home?”, it should be irritating, dreadful, definitely not adorable, yet she made it with her pouted lips and frowned eyebrows.

“I mean sure, but it’s not the same.”

“You’re right it’s much better.” A smirk coated her face, but she was glad only her narrowed eyes could be seen.

Casta once again turned her gaze away, “I beg to differ.”, the wine glass touched her dark lips, which left a black stain on a transparent surface. Her eyes shouldn’t notice stuff like that, they shouldn’t be glued to those lips. Chocolate cookies, cherry tea, fruity smell, black, brown, black, stiff and gentle, snowy and windy. It all flashed before her as if she kept switching between moments as if in search for lost time.

“I’m su-“

“Casta!”, a deep shout cut her mid-sentence and they both turned to look at the young tall man that was making his way to their table. Her company got onto her hills; her wine forgotten on the table like was their useless conversation. Light Spinner still couldn’t move her eyes, gentle hands straightened the deep red dress, a smile from ear to ear flashed, her arms moved from the hem of her clothes and still she looked as the guy came closer, close until they were standing in a tight hug, tighter than the one they’ve shared in the dark of their balcony, this one was for all of Mystacor to see, for her to see. 

“Ah, it’s been so long.”

“Too long.”, he pulled away, his arms sliding down her shoulders, resting on her biceps, a tugging feeling of something she did not want to recognize appeared like a tightness on her throat, “Let’s go dance, I have so much to tell you.” Why did he have to come just now, couldn’t he bother someone else? As if this guy was totally oblivious to the fact, they were in middle of something, silence filling conversation, but still a conversation. Casta nodded and it tugged her even more, his arm moved down to her lower back, where once her hand stood. She still looked as they’ve walked away, the shorter one of them not even looking at her, no see you later, nothing and her eyes still followed. They’ve watched as she placed her arms around his neck, so close another tug came over her, this one harder, _First Ones!_ Still, Light Spinner observed as Casta laughed and twirled and she watched and watched and she would have watched more if she hadn’t hit the bottom of her glass, making her get up with the sigh. Parties were the worst, no further discussions will be made on that, not even with a girl like her.

It’s been hours her usual time of stay already long passed. She contemplated leaving more than once, yet she couldn’t just walk away when she came with the rest of them, even she wasn’t that insolent. By the time she had gotten back with the refill of her glass, Casta was long lost in the crowd and besides it was probably for the best. Her thoughts were already going too far. There was absolutely no accepting the fact she was falling for someone like her. _I’m not falling for her._ She was simply a pretty face, someone who she just wanted to help see the full, the real picture, nothing more. At least there should not be, so why was she still thinking about her? Even though she tried to reason with herself, she knew the reason why, she just didn’t want to admit it. Admit that she wanted her attention, a notice from someone who could not even notice herself. It was all ridiculous, another waste of time.

Her eyes lifted off her lap as in the corner she saw Lexa dragging Micah by his arm, the white of his shirt now wet with a pink liquid. The maid pushed him lightly onto one of the chairs, before reaching for a pile of tissues.

She rubbed the stain rapidly, “It is your most expensive suit…How could you be so careless? Your parents are going…”, the words died out, never leaving her because they never were supposed, not if she wanted to keep her place.

“It’s okay, Lexa, I’m sure Light Spinner knows a spell or two?” His eyebrows narrowed in a pleading way, the brown of his eyes finally acknowledging her presence.

“Oh no, you get yourself out of this one.”

Lexa continued to work on the stain and maybe she just gave her more work by not doing the spell and just when she was about to ask, she received a thankful smile, “I’m sorry, but could you please go find Castaspella? She said she’s not feeling well and I jus-.”

“Of course. Whatever you need.”, she was already on her feet, practically jumping out the chair to fix her dress as she moved to look for the girl.

“I think she’s outside.” The maid’s voice called from behind her and she turned her direction to walk towards the exist. 

Like Lexa said, she really was there as soon as she opened the front doors. Her head down, forehead resting on her palms, “You alright?” she let herself sit down on the white bench next to her. the windy night making her wish she took her coat before stepping outside.

“Yeah…”, crooking her head that still pressed against her arms, her voice sounded somewhat weary, “alcohol just makes me a bit dizzy, I guess.”

She nodded letting the girl know she took in her statement before moving to another subject, the one she should approach carefully, “Listen, I hope you know there’s no need to avoid me.”, or perhaps not bring it up at all.

Now that got a reaction out of her as she straightened herself, letting her hands fall on the bench, “Why would I do that?”, they gripped the edge, her tone much wearier than seconds ago, eyes slightly widened at the topic that was being brought up.

“You know why.”

Casta moved a bit closer, “It’s behind us.”, lowering her voice, but still a strong emotion run through it, “Is it not?”

She could play intimidating on someone else because it would not work on her, she pushed back harder, “I don’t think all of it is.”

The face in front of her fell hard, eyebrows narrowed, lips curved, “I don’t know what you think…”, she was painted with repulsion, “but I’m not like you.”, voice filled with anger. “I’ll never be, not for you, not for anyone else.”

Light Spinner never thought the girl would let any of her emotions show so easily, but here she was red with rage. “I just want to help you, I see w-“

“I don’t need help, especially not yours!” a few people that stood in the garden turned their eyes to them at the sound of Casta’s yell.

It was not going how she wanted it to and she waited for the curious gazes to leave them before opening her mouth again, “Casta…you’ll only hurt yourself this way.” she gently lowered her hand to touch hers, but the girl quickly pulled away, getting off the bench.

“Leave me alone. You don’t fucking know me.” The front doors opened then slammed shout, leaving her on the porch once again, taken back by her words. 


	10. The wind changed its course

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's so much more to this life, so much we can experience and give to others if we can break free from fear.

Her head pained with blunt pressure before her eyes even made any effort to open. To her luck, she already left her curtains closed so it was just a tiny bit easier to adjust to the light. She drank too much, well not what most would consider too much, but for her low alcohol tolerance it was enough to make her groan as she pushed herself up. Taking a second to massage the tenderness of her temples, her eyelids dropping shut. She shouldn’t have drank at all. _Wine_. Suddenly, her eyes flew wide open. _Light Spinner_. Heart beating loud. She yelled at Light Spinner. _Shit, shit, shit._ Now fully awakened with the thought alcohol made her lash out, she threw the banket off, her feet hitting the icy floor as she hurried to the closet. Pulling the first dress her hands could grab she tried to put it on as quickly as she could, almost losing her balance.

“Fuck.” A sigh of frustration left her as she was managing her hair into a bun, but it kept looking too messy, too loose or tight, twisted, strands of hair falling down, sticking out. Her hands fell to her sides dropping the hairbrush along with the ties. She can’t deal with this, not now. The breakfast will soon be done meaning she doesn’t have much time. Casta could already feel the embarrassment taking over her at the thought of what she must do. 

One deep and long inhale while her hand pulled the doors open, stepping outside and closing them slowly, trying not to make too much of a noise. Her legs started to walk, but not towards the stairs, oh, no, they’ve walked the other way around, two, three steps before freezing. Palm closed into a fist, raising sluggishly and then stopping just as she pushed her teeth down to her lip, biting hard on it. Why did her eyes burn? She tried to ignore it as she finally moved the hand that was hanging in the air. Her white knuckles hitting against the hard-wooden surface. Once. Twice, louder, but not too loud. Perhaps she should have drank more, more until it erased her memory, her culpability because she was not truly sorry, she was just guilty, ashamed. Her parents did not raise her to yell like that, to curse and act like a brat. 

“It’s open.” That voice sent shivers down her spine, her legs wanted to turn around, to run, but her fingers gripped the nob, pushing the doors, making them take a step forward. Looking shamefully at that unveiled face, that came to her view. Another step and she let them close with a light sound.

She should say something, “I-…”, why was it so hot here, the air so heavy? Light Spinner did not say anything to cut into her silence, yet her eyes made her look down, flushed. Clearing her throat, she tried again, “I, um…I should apologize for yelling at you…” to look at her.

“But you won’t?”, firm voice took two steps forward, arching her eyebrows as still a large distance existed between them.

“I was goi-…I am going to.”

“You shouldn’t”, her tone was calm and Casta didn’t understand was she being mocked or was Light Spinner really not angry, offended, something, “because I won’t…I meant what I said. I want to help you, Casta.” She started to close the distance between them and her heart beat louder, too loud, distracting her thoughts.

“I already told you, you misunderstood something.”, Castaspella tried hard not to let anger rise and without the alcohol in her system it was much easier, but her voice was still weary,” I don’t need your help.”

As if deaf to her words the older woman moved closer, now standing in front of her. She felt her touch her arm, squeeze it gently. She didn’t like it, the feeling of her skin clinging her stomach, tingling it, burning against her fingers, “Please, I don’t want to fight.”, legs took a small step back, but her hand still stayed gripped, “I want us to be civil, for Micah’s sake at least.”

Light Spinner nodded, “How about we put everything behind us then and start over?”, her lips curled into half a smile half smirk, “Friends?” she felt her fingers curl tighter over her palm.

“Friends then.” Casta squeezed back, smiling softly, hoping she could do what she agreed on.

***

So it was. As days grew longer, less cold with the snow slowly melting away, preparing the grounds for the Mystacor’s spring. In the beginning things just went back to what they were at first, awkward silence and avoiding, but every new encounter reassured her that perhaps this friendship idea could work, that with time she’ll get the girl to open up to her, to let her help her.

Besides, she was growing fonder of her, seeing her for more than just a conservative, rich girl. Without knowing it, to a good observer like her, Casta revealed more than she probably wanted to. For example, she picked on how she was scared of her own shadow, doubting herself in things so banal, such simple acts like reading or which tea she liked, made her smile turn nervous such as when she would step too close or touch her. Light Spinner saw the way she would change after her parents’ visits, that came and went like the wind changed its course and would leave young Casta leafless, bare of the carelessness she shown only in her brother’s presence. A brother for who she held such oblivious caring that she would drop everything at his slightest plea.

Prim and proper at all times, too polite for her own good, even towards the ones that did not deserve it. All this and more she took in as a month and then another passed through their small, but with every day more frequent encounters.

Their kiss like promised stayed forgotten, unmentioned. It lived only inside her brain like a rotten reminder of what she’ll never experience again, like a nagging feeling that she needed to help. That’s what she was here for, to teach, to show and perhaps as a gift the First Ones eased her loneliness by giving her a friend of a sorts, a friend that intensified her fantasies, that lived in her mind in a different version of herself or maybe just the version she could be if the world wasn’t a cruel and hypocritical place to live in. Or maybe she was just a lustful mess that could not take politeness for what it was. It didn’t matter, it was only for her to know.

**It took a week or so for anything to really happen and as the one that proposed it, she was of course to be expected to make the first attempt. She wasn’t stupid, she knew Casta agreed just to get rid of the mess she was in and she let her. How could she refuse when her pleas were almost heartbreaking? But she wanted to say more to tell her _I see right through you, you’re just a scared girl…but I understand,_ how she wanted to cup her face, shake some sense into her, _you don’t have to feel that way._**

**The day Micah and Lexa went to find the replacement for his suit, before the parents’ return, she found her alone at the dining table, a kettle in front of her.**

**“Mind if I join you?” she turned her head over her shoulder following her with those amber eyes as she walked to the chair opposite of her. Her hands rested on top of it, but she did not sit down, not until she received a shake of a head.**

**“I’ll bring you another mug.” And as Casta set back down, handing her a glass of warm cherry tea she noticed the dark circles over her pale skin, the light redness and soreness of her eyes. She did not see her roam the balcony in the silent nights.**

**“Haven’t been sleeping?” Her hands lowered the veil, carefully folding it before setting it down next to her glass.**

**The young woman parted her lips in surprise, “Is it really that obvious?”, she raised her hand to her cheek, that was slowly changing color.**

**Light Spinner scrunched her face, "A bit...", and then she let the hot tea touch her tongue while listening to Casta's long sigh. If she didn't spend her nights at the balcony what else could be keeping her up? She wondered, but something held her back from asking, an invisible line that she shouldn't cross, not again. The mug clinked as her hands carefully set it on a white plate with blue decorations of the First Ones writing, "You should try passionflower tea, it's good for sleep."**

**Only few days after their last conversation she found her once again alone with her back turned to her as she was standing on her knees in a pile of snow that was growing smaller and smaller with each day. She flinched at the thought of her own knees against such piercing coldness, still the young woman did not seem to give much thought to it, completely unaware of the green eyes that were watching from behind.**

**"What are you doing?" She took a few steps forward, pulling her coat tighter while Casta turned to look at her, greeting her with a soft smile before turning her head back to where it was.**

**Before she even spoke Light Spinner with all her curiosity moved closer, "I'm planting snapdragons so they can be ready for when spring comes.", her bare hands moved through the snow.**

**"Aren't you cold?"**

**Castaspella shook her head lightly, "I must tell you the tea is a lifesaver.", it took her a few moment to realize what she was talking about and then she smiled but the girl could not see both from her veil and the fact her gaze was not turned to her like her own was to the little figure that was fully concentrated on the work in front of her.**

**"Could you hand me that?" Her reddish hand pointed to a little box and she picked it up gently it made a rustling sound as she moved it to get it to the cold palm that stood stretch out, even gentler it was lowered, her fingers brushing against the icy skin. How sweet and innocent, still only to her as it was short lived by Casta pulling it away, going back to her seeds, some nervous silence rising.**

**"Lexa, what is that smell?" It was her happy voice that started this time, her face turning into an oh as she pushed the pantry doors open finding Light Spinner rather that the maid she was looking for.**

**She chuckled quietly, not even sure if she heard her, "I'm making a Plumerian specialty."**

**"Sorry, I thought Lexa was making somethi-"**

**"Wanna try?" Her lips moved into a smile, disregarding the girl's apology in full. Was there always need for such formalities?**

**A clasping sound ranged, "Really?", brown eyes shining with excitement, smiling as she walked closer. So, caught up in such a simple question she for once did not seem to care that as she moved, she found herself close to her, so close Light Spinner could smell her perfume or shampoo, she still hadn't figured out what was the cause of the fruity smell.**

**She took a spoon full of the chocolate pudding, "Here.", handing it to the shorter woman she watched as Casta moved it closer to her lips that flashed her an even bigger smile as it touched her mouth.**

**"Oh, First Ones, this is amazing." Brown eyes found her as she turned her head from the pot to Light Spinner, her smile suddenly decreasing as their closeness probably came to her. Light irritation itched her as the girl took a step back, placing the spoon into the sink.**

**"I'll leave some for you if you wish."**

**"Oh, no." She shook her head, "You shouldn't, really.", quickly walking out the doors.**

**Still, Light Spinner did.**

**"What are you reading?" She whispered, dropping so informally down on the couch, right next to her. It was already pitch black, the mansion dead silent except for the cracking of fire and turning of pages.**

**"It's just some nonsense." Casta didn't moved her eyes from the words in front of her, too stuck in something to call it nonsense.**

**"That doesn't answer my question does it?"**

**"It's not important, besides you won't like it."**

**She stretched her arm, "That will be for me to decide.", snapping the book out of her hands. "All the shadows that follow us." Light Spinner read out loud, her fingers passing over the cursive title, a scoff escaping her.**

**"I told you, you'll find it silly.", the girl tried to take her possession back, but she held it far from her reach knowing Casta wouldn't dare to come too close.**

**"It's one of the best books I've read." Her eyes followed the way the face in front of her changed from angry to surprised expression then back to some kind of annoyance.**

**"Ugh.", her small hands reached for the book once again, but never really getting even close to actually trying to get it, "No need to mess with me."**

**"I'm not.", she gave it back with a soft smile, before getting up, "Good night, Casta."**

**A bang then glass shattering, her whole body turning to look at the source of it, still holding the red dress. Casta stood behind her, boots in a pile of colorful and transparent glass, a shelf that held then mere seconds ago also on the floor. Her face was turned to her and Light Spinner could see the fear mixing with shock, intensifying as a yell came from behind them.**

**"What in Etheria have you done?", the shop owner rushed to her, kneeling down in the sharp mess, glass cracking under his heavy shoes.**

**"I'm so sorry..." the young woman mimicked his movement, almost as if she was going to clean it all with her bare hands, "It was an accident, I didn't see...", the tone of her voice shaky, breaking here and then.**

**His face burned with anger as he yelled, raising his voice even more than before, "You didn't see? Do you know the damage you've just caused?"**

**"I'm really sorry." Her voice cracked even more and she was sure that she was about to cry as she scrambled through her bag, taking out some gold coins and handing it to the rude owner, who pulled it with much force out of her hands. She could not watch anymore.**

**Throwing the dress back to where she found it, she walked closer to Casta, taking her by her upper arms, "Let's go." Her grip tugged gently, needing her to move before she was the one throwing rage filled words, the ones she could feel boiling inside her blood as the girl looked up at her. Brown eyes glimmering with warm water.**

**"You shouldn't have apologized." She told her, voice firm as they walked down the stone pavement.**

**"He was right." Her head lowered with embarrassment, "I should have been more careful."**

**Light Spinner's blood grew hotter with more rage, "He shouldn't have yelled at you like that."**

**"But-"**

**"No.", she stopped her right there, sounding probably more intimidating than she should have, "He shouldn't have yelled at you. You said it was an accident and you apologized."**

**"I know, I know...", her voice cracked again, making her feel guilty for raising her own. She won't let her cry over this.**

**"Hey.", She stopped just as the mansion came to view then stepped in front of her, touching her shoulder, making her take her gaze off their dirty boots. Her eyes catching the ones that grew blood red. "Don't you dare cry over some old grumpy men, who cares what he says? Besides, this is not a situation worth your tears, you won't even remember it. Okay?"**

**Casta nodded, taking in her words, yet she still looked like she was going to burst into tears and that she could not comprehend. Most would fight back, take their stand, grow angry at the injustice like she did, but not her. As they've returned to their pace, her head once again lowering, Light Spinner thought her words went with the wind, already forgotten to the girl. Yet it surprised her when she spoke again, voice quiet, but without the cracks this time.**

**"You're right about it not being important, but I guess...I just don't like when people yell...", her mind went to the day she saw her fight with her father, how she found her on the balcony, face wet with tears as she pulled her close, “It’s stupid.”**

**“It’s not stupid.”**

Light Spinner turned her head back to Micah’s notebook, switching from her memories to the homework she needed to check. She couldn’t believe how gentle she was getting, both Micah and Casta managed to make her heart soften in different ways. The boy had her fondness from the day she met him and his sister slowly earning hers, but she was also growing something else for her, an affection bigger than friendship, yet forbidden.

She could not deny that she liked the path their friendship was taking, but she knew no matter how hard she tried she could not get those lips out of her head. The silly way in which she enjoyed even in her nervousness. The way Casta would stutter through her words when caught off guard, how her eyebrows would knit together when she didn’t understand something. Light Spinner couldn’t even hate the fact she knew when the younger woman would try to avoid her or how she would grow tense when confusing her politeness for a chance to kiss her. Yet, she never tried anything, no matter how much she wanted to. Though her mind was filled with desire, her intentions always stayed pure. She just wants her to see the world through more than just her parent’s glasses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is it possible that Castaspella appears in only 8 episodes?!! She-Ra explain...  
> Also why was Shadow Weaver like the only character that didn't get redeemed and the only one who didn't get a proper backstory, she's just bad, while everyone else has redeemable qualities and there are characters who in my opinion had done much worse things than she did...  
> thanks for coming to my ted talk, i'll stop now


	11. The realization that cuts deeper, yet the acceptance is the most painful of it all

> Wild flower 
> 
> you were born to bloom
> 
> let yourself undo
> 
> slowly
> 
> sweetly

Her parents' letters came in today and she ripped the envelope open as Micah rushed her to hurry, both excited to read them, but especially him. "What do they say?"

She smiled as she quickly passed over the words, the formal ones, looking for those he actually wanted to hear, but her smile along with her heart fell as she came to the part where it should be, but they weren't there, only the antonym of what it should've been. Her eyes moved over it again as if she did not read it correctly the first time.

"I'm sorry.", Casta let her hand pass over his hair, watching as his face dropped, "They say they won't be able to come by your birthday, but don't worry we'll think of something fun to make up for it.", her hand was shrugged off.

"It's fine.", he got off the couch, "I understand.", walking outside. Her heart ached, yet she did not go after him, she'd let him blow off some steam. Besides, Castaspella knew too well what it was like to be let down by their parents. Still she could not really blame them, could she? They've worked hard for them, so it should not be a big deal. She spent a lot of her birthdays without them, some with her brother and Lexa, some even alone and it was fine. It was always just fine. Micah will see that too, no matter how much her parents gave him, they've still managed to fail him, even in such a silly thing and only that angered her. Even though she knew it wasn't their fault, business is business, but she just wished they'd stop promising him what they can't keep. To stop promising her, the Dryl, her birthdays, she still kept falling for it as if in her nineteen years of life she had not learned a single thing. Perhaps, she hadn't or maybe she knew too much, and she was just being blind to it. The truth always hurts or maybe it’s the realization that cuts deeper, yet the acceptance is the most painful of it all.

"Anything for me?" 

"Oh, Light Spinner, good morning.", she grinned at the older woman, "It seems like there's nothing today."

"Hmm then, wanna join me for some tea?" It became a normal day to day activity, "I would love to hear your thoughts on that book.", their weirdly entertaining encounters, the simple conversations over tea, filled with random conundrums such as the superior tea taste. Casta would take cherry over Light Spinner's disgustingly bitter green tea any day.

"Would love to but", and the even weirder thing was that she did really want to, “I’m afraid I cannot right now." 

"Well, I'll see you at dinner then...", just like that she came and went, just like the uneasy feeling that would take over her. Casta hated how comfortable her company was, how many interesting stories she had. But most of all she despised that kiss that she could not get out of her head, that kiss that brought the uneasy feelings, the one known as the guilty tightness around her chest, made her unable to fully enjoy her friendship. Always, too scared of what she might do if she let her guard down, yet still she did not find it in her to refuse her company's presence. She was nice to her, never bringing that night at Mrs. Maris’s ever, not the kiss, nothing that would make her uncomfortable. So, why did she had to flinch every time she was too close to her? Why can't Casta just let go of the guilt, to just move on? Why did she had to reassure her rapid heartbeat that it was nothing? It was nothing because nothing else would ever be acceptable, nothing other than friendship would ever be allowed by her. Everything was fine. Everything was always just fine.

***

Even in her room Light Spinner could hear the inaudible shouts, opening the doors to go down for dinner they only grew louder, much easier to make out, yet it still took a few steps before she could fully comprehend.

"I had homework to do!" It was Micah's yell that came first as she moved closer to the stairs.

"Oh please, you could've speared five minutes to help." His sister's annoyed voice made itself known as she stepped down the first step, hand over the golden rail, now finally seeing where the fight was coming from. Her apprentice's face curled with anger, his sister's tensed posture turned to her as the maid stood awkwardly, she was the only one that noticed her. Face worried as she looked between Light Spinner and the siblings, like she was silently begging her to throw a spell to make it silent.

"Ugh, you're overreacting." His hands flew around, "Besides, working on my talents is more important than setting the table."

An angry chuckle and she stopped halfway down, her head always turned to the side, "Talents for making illusions, very useful, Micah."

"You're just jealous-"

"Like anyone would be jealous of a spoil brat like you."

"At least I'm good at something...", she caught how Casta's fists unclenched, her back strengthening, _What in Etheria…_ Lexa's face dropping with surprise, only Micah stood blind by his rage, "unlike you!" It seemed to ring around the house until it hit him back, his narrowed eyes softened, lips slightly parted, but his sister already started to walk away. Passing her angrily as she stomped up the stairs, not giving any notice to her presence.

"What was that about?" Her own voice irritated as she looked down at her student. His face once again red, arms crossed at her scolding.

"It's none of your business.", he too moved aggressively towards the kitchen, leaving her to look with eyes widened, arms loose at her side.

Probably noticing her surprise, "I'll talk to him.", Lexa gave her an apologetic look. She had never seen Micah act out like this, let alone raise his voice at her and the words he screamed at his sister. None of this made any sense, he talked about her like she was the most precious thing in his life. Her stomach clenched, making her lose all interest in eating, she turned to climb back the few stairs she already walked down. Strolling through the hall her eyes caught the light that slipped through Casta's slightly opened doors, she walked closer contemplating whether or not to push them further. A sniffer, a cough. The words must have hurt, _I just don't like when people yell,_ but was it her place to really do anything? They were friends, kind of, she pushed them, only then knock on the frame.

"May I?"

Casta stood bent over the small table, palms pressing hard on the wooden surface, it would be a sight to kill for if only the circumstances were just slightly different, similar to the ones playing through her brain. "It's not really a good time...", she straightened herself, her hand now gripping the chair, face looking at the wall, never at her and Light Spinner let herself in, closing the doors behind her.

"You know he didn't mean it...", he can't have, but she’d have that talk with him later. Now her legs started to move towards Castaspella, without even thinking. Her words seemed to have angered something as she pressed her lips together, eyes blinking rapidly. "People say thing they don't mean when they're angry...", she reassured the young woman.

"But he's right!" The hand that gripped the chair lifted, hitting at it, making it bang against the polished table then she raised it to her forehead.

Her own palm raised in that moment, just before it fell on the tight shoulder, "You're being too hard on yourself.", she turned her, forcing her to face her.

"I'm not!", her brows rose, water obviously glimmering over her amber gems, "If I were I wouldn't have k-", her lips stayed open, but no words came out, eyes widening and she could feel her own face react to it.

"You wouldn't have what, Casta?" The young woman lowered her head, shaking it swiftly like she did in so many situations in which she could not find her words. "Kissed me back?" She rose her eyebrow mimicking the way the girl did it, mere moments ago, now looking back up, embarrassingly surprised. "Is that what's bothering you?" Her voice trying to sound as soft as she could get it as a breeze came through the agape glassy doors, reminding her of the absence of her veil.

"That's not...Why are you bringing it up?", she untangled from her light touch, walking towards the bed, sitting down, gripping the edge of the soft covers like she did with the wooden table. 

"But it was you who did...", Light Spinner moved around the room, "who was going to.", towering over her, but not sitting down, "Was it not?"

"I-...I-..."

"It's okay." In a few seconds she was at her side, topping her palm over hers, “You don't have to explain yourself. “, feeling her grip, the sheets even harder under her touch "feel what you need to feel.” and a sob left her, yet still no tears.

"How do I know wh-"

"I can't answer that for you, but you'll know, everything in you will tell you so." Her hand relaxed under hers and she let her thumb run over her knuckles.

A single crystal-clear tear rolled down her flushed cheeks as she crooked her head locking their eyes, "How do I make it stop?" 

"Oh Casta...", she cupped her face, "There's no making it stop.", caressing her skin, moving her thumb over her tear, smearing it. "You can't make it stop, no matter how much you want to."

She watched her lean into her touch, "Pretending it's not there will only make it worse for you.", felt it, her eyes closing and it was enough to set her off the edge of carefulness. Light Spinner lowered her head, stopping in front of the dark lips, brushing her nose against the reddish one, letting her breath fall over the black lipstick, giving her enough time to put a stop to it, but still the young woman did not do anything, leaning even now. So, she did what her body screamed for, crushing their mouth.

Unlike the last time Casta did not need much time to kiss back, her lips almost immediately pressing against hers with more force than the first time. Her free hand lifted to the left cheek, now cupping both of them. Light Spinner held her tight as she felt more warm tears run down her face, colliding with her hands. Perhaps, she should break the kiss and perhaps, she would have if she didn't notice the gentle hand on the back of her neck, moving up inside the locks of her hair, trying to pull her closer. Everything about her was warm, her tears, that she did not even try to stop anymore, her flushed cheeks, dark lips, that kissed her back firmly, yet that trembled as more water slipped from her eyes, making her unable to fully enjoy this moment, she so desperately desired. One of her hands started to move down Casta's wet face, tracing a part of her sharp jawline, thumb stopping at her chin pulling it down gently, causing the younger woman's lips to part slightly, allowing her to run her tongue over them. It tasted weirdly sweet, almost like she painted them with chocolate lipstick, but sweeter than that. As she moved her hand away from her chin, down her neck and shoulders, stopping at her waist, holding her closer, she did not let her tongue slip further, not just yet. Another gentle hand came around her neck, pulling her even closer, kissing her fiercely and she couldn't help but to let a muffled moan, another treating t-

"Casta, can I come in?" Micah's knock made her pull away, her gaze still connected to the amber one as she watched her wipe her tears with her sleeve, her breath uneven.

"Just a second." They both got off the bed, almost as if in sync, neither could nor knew what to say.

Light Spinner moved to the balcony and Casta towards Micah's apologetic voice. She disappeared just before she heard the sound of the doors opening, slipping inside her room she hoped things won't end up like last time. Ignored and neglected, she can't let it go this time. She won't, what for her selfish needs, what for Castaspella. She can't, not now when Casta was like a drug, like a rush of magic. The beautifully pure, yet so tragically sad, so self-destructive, so addictive. She wanted to breath all of her in, to taste her sweetness and everything else she'll offer her then she'd wipe her tears, kiss them away, she'd never have to cry again if only she opened her eyes. 

The way she kissed her, Light Spinner knew, she knew she wanted it almost as much as she did, maybe as much as she did, but she just didn't let herself feel, not until then. The way she kept pulling her closer, her exotic perfume tingling her nostrils, the smell of fruit as she ate the sweet chocolate of her lips. The warmth of her face, softness of her skin, it all still felt alive, present in the emptiness of her room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castaweaver is living rent free in my brain and that's not okay...like leave me alone for a second


	12. The only way to be free was to change

She kissed Light Spinner. No, no, Light Spinner kissed her, but she also did not hold back. She-…she wanted her to do it, she liked it. First Ones, she was abnormal, wicked. Her heart trembled with that thought. What would her parents say? What does she herself say? Casta wasn’t sure, maybe she’ll never know. Was this always a part of her? It can’t have been because never in her life had she felt as guilty as she had now. Never ever had such thoughts corrupted her mind, like they did since Light Spinner disturbed her normality. The whole night they had circled around her room, her calm hands on her flushed cheeks, the feeling of their lips together, the grip closing around her waist, the sound of her heart beating. The tears she could not stop as the possibility of her being like that, of her wanting that kiss as much as she did, started to form, becoming the truth. Just because something is true that doesn’t mean she had to accept it, yet still she could not hide the need to know more, more about all of this. About herself.

If it was the truth, perhaps she could find the way to stop it. Maybe this was all just a temptation, something she was to live through, to struggle with. Casta had no way to fight it, she needed weapons and there was only one person who could give them to her. The one responsible for all of this, but she couldn’t really blame her for it, could she? It was her own fault she wasn’t strong enough to resist such devilish needs, such devious thought. There was a default in her, that was why she had never been able to do anything right, why she had the ugly scar marking her palm, that was why she was only made to disappoint, the only reason she kissed back, the only one.

Her fist hit against the glass, eyes already catching Light Spinner's figure sitting at the table, her lowered head raising from the book to look at her. Seeing the unveiled face Casta smiled nervously, her hand raising as some kind of a greeting. Legs moving weight from one to another waiting for the figure to move closer.

The doors made a sliding sound as she pulled them, "Hey."

"Can I come in?", fingers played with the edge of her sleeve, pulling it down over her hand, releasing it and then repeating the gesture.

Agreeing, the taller one of them stepped out of the way, letting her enter before the doors clicked again, closing them in and with them her chest seemed to squeeze. Behind her she could feel the fiery gaze and she turned around to find the eyes that held loud questions.

"I-", if it wasn't silly she might have passed out from nerves, "Umm...", it was so hard not to break their gaze, "I thought we...umm", she shouldn't have come, "We could talk...I mean if you have time...", embarrassment was strong, "...actually umm, never mind.", why did she ever think this was a good idea.

"Casta, hey, calm down." , nodding her head at what seemed some kind of scolding, because she could not trust that her voice wouldn't shake more than her trembling hands as Light Spinner held her wrists, soothing them with her fingers, "Silly girl", she told her, yet her voice sounded so lovely, "there's no need for all these nerves. Alright?" Still, she could not do more than simply nod.

"Good. Now let's sit down", tugging her away towards the table like she used to do when Micah was younger, "and we can discuss whatever's bothering that head of yours.", _Too many things, Light Spinner, too many that even all your knowledge can't help._

her writs now resting on the arms of the wooden chair, gripping it like she would die if she was to let go. Her heartbeat a thunder of agitation, the words unspoken ringing with curios guilt, fearful eyes hitting against the calm that was the emerald color. Why was the air always so heavy in this room?

"Go on.", what was she supposed to say? She can't stop thinking about her kiss, even though it scared her as much as it excited her. That she hated it as much as she wanted to feel it again. So, that she could think of her as crazier than she already felt. Yet Casta wanted to tell her, to lay the cards open and let Light Spinner played them the way it was right because she did not know what was the correct move. But the young tutor was a good player, she knew, she had to know.

"I-I think there's something wrong with me..."

"And why's that?", the head was crooked at her, watching her carefully.

"I don't- I just...I feel wrong." First Ones, she didn't even make sense to herself, she'd made everything worse, she knew she had.

"Because of what happened yesterday?" Once again all she could manage was a quick nod letting Light Spinner continue, to take over, she hoped she would, "What do you mean when you say wrong?"

Closing her eyes, she took a shaky breath, shrugging her shoulders "It's a mix of everything, I can't...", another inhale, "I want to know more about all of this because I don't understand what's happening to me." It was cracked and painful, but she went on rambling, "It's all wrong, everything and... Please, Light Spinner.", That's not what Casta wanted to say, but here she was being the one that was grabbing onto the soft hand, letting go of the chair, "Please, help me." Water drops run down her face, cards all open. Pathetical was her little charade, but the sobs overtook her, unable to swallow them. If she didn't have her little ball of dignity, she might have knelt right then and there, begging as if everything she loved was at stake, like the matter of life and death stood inches away. She still didn't understand that the definition of help was much different in the green eyes than in her own. It was as if the inability to understand anything was thrown like some kind of a spell or a curse. 

"Gently, now.", fingers were squeezed tight in her grip, voice so caring she wanted to follow, "I'm here, we'll figure everything out.", yet at the next words her voice rose, almost like a treat of a kind, "But you must calm down!" And Castaspella despised the feeling that she might have annoyed her with this embarrassing show, that she was bored of her like that day in the park, when she had said something wrong, something that she still couldn't remember.

"Sorry...", managing to chuckle out, "I'm trying." _You aren’t trying hard enough!_ Her father’s words echoed trough the old memories, somewhere to close to the front of her mind.

"Nothing to be sorry for.", her hand was being pulled, she couldn't comprehend what was happening, but she watched as Light Spinner brought it to her lips placing a little kiss almost as if she too wasn’t disappointed in her actions, "You'll think better with a clear head.", Thinking? Wasn't that the problem of all of this? Casta did not feel bad when she was kissing her, well not entirely. It was only when she replayed it in her mind, letting herself think of what she actually did that it all started. She did not want to think, it made everything hurt, it was disgusting, guilty, bad. Castaspella hated it, she hated hers-

"Close your eyes, breath." Obeying with quiet sniffs, the darkness overtook, Light Spinner's hand holding her, voice guiding her slowly, giving her time to adjust before continuing, "I'll help you." That's all Casta needed, to know she wasn't alone in all this, even if her alliance was in the center of her recent problems and conundrums. 

"You will?" 

"I already told you that I would.", she had, _I just want to help you_ _,_ Light Spinner said and she refused, she yelled and she told her again, _I meant what I said. I want to help you, Casta_ _._ And again she refused just to come back begging, sobbing for it.

Taking control gradually, her breathing slowed down, trying to even out, tears still fell, but silently now, "There you go.", the words themselves weren't supposed to mean much, yet the tone in which they were said, "Now that's much better.", made a fluttering feeling take over her. It was almost as if she was being praised for something so simple as not crying. No one ever really praised her for anything, let alone this. So how not wish for Light Spinner to do it again? But she didn't, rather letting go of her hand, walking away, turning her back to her as she looked for something and the flutter was gone. 

"Micah is probably waiting for me." Her veil was on, but their eyes met again, "But why don't come tonight, after dinner."

"Okay."

***

Castaspella did not come down for dinner, “Oh, she’s not feeling well.”, Lexa told them and she wondered if she’d even come later like they’ve discussed.

Micah talked and talked, she replying only with quiet mhms, not able to think about anything but his sister’s shakiness, the panicked state in which she was this morning. She was right when she said everything was wrong, she didn’t deserve to feel that, no one did, but least of all Casta. The sweet, vulnerable Casta. That was not the way she should be coming to her, scared and teary, no, that was wrong. She should come with soft smiles, sweet kisses like the little version that lived in her fantasies did.

 _I feel wrong_ , what was she supposed to tell those red eyes that wasn’t a bunch of bullshit that would mean absolutely nothing to her. Was she to tell her to say it again and Light Spinner would be across Etheria killing her parents with her bare hands, that the thought of her and who knows how many others being oppressed with such teachings made her want to burn the whole Mystacor? It’s not something someone like Casta would want, she was too good for that, but herself…

How was she to admit that perhaps it was her actions that caused the girl to feel such things? To come to terms that she did not know what to do with the pretty, crying creature that begged her to solve her problems. Problems that weren’t problems. Light Spinner couldn’t tell her that the only way to be free was to change her thinking, to accept what was inevitable. Casta was breaking in her arms because of her that was and she could not do anything but let it happen, to watch her.

But to her surprise she came, knocking quietly, sitting where she sat this morning, she came with all her nervousness, but she came.

“I was beginning to think you won’t come.”, playfully she tried to loosen the atmosphere, receiving only a bitter smile in return. So, she continued, “Why didn’t you come for dinner?”, sitting down opposite of her, gently setting the territory.

“I wasn’t hungry.”, noticing the way Casta refused to meet her eyes.

“Hmm…”, skeptically mumbling, “Do you know what you want to talk about?”

“Well, I-I…”, why did she always hold back? Her delicate hands trembling on the purple fabric of a satin dress.

“You can ask me whatever you want, say whatever you want.”, dropping her arm onto the girl’s knee their gazes met at last, “It’ll stay between the two of us.”, not like she really had anyone to tell. But if there was one thing Light Spinner knew from her studies, it was important to set the trust with students, like it was with family, friends, lovers.

“How did you know you were you know…”, she smiled gently at the question catching the redness that overtook the woman in front of her, almost unaware of the hand that still rested on a dangerous place.

“I just did.”, Casta’s expression fell as if it was telling her that she was of no help and if she wasn’t cautious of herself she might have laughed at the adorableness of flushed confusion that painted her face, “It’s different for everyone, I can’t really give you the right or wrong answer…What’s more important is why you think you might be?”

“Mm, when yo- we…”, if it was even possible Castaspella’s face grew even redder, the color moving to her ears, “kissed, I…It didn’t feel as bad as I thought, as it should.”

Light Spinner’s eyebrow rose and she barely stopped herself before slipping out something like, _are you saying you liked our interactions._ Instead she tried to stay composed, “That’s a start.”, not to let the grin appear, “Is there something else?”

“No, I don’t think so…Could you tell me how things are outside of Mystacor?”

“Of course.”, lifting her hand, she leaned into the chair, making herself as comfortable as she could, while her eyes stayed fixated on the curiosity that was exchanging Casta’s nervousness as she listened carefully, not missing a word.


	13. The little sparks

„Good morning. “, she greeted the young woman, whose head was stuck in a book, a plate of strawberries in front of her.

“Good morning!” Casta grinned, she looked happy, happier than she was days ago, and Light Spinner noticed, of course she did, “Strawberry?”

Shaking her head, she had lowered in a chair right across her, eying as she returned her attention back to the yellowish pages. “What are you reading?”

Mumbling: “You’ll never believe what I’ve found.”, with mouth full of the sweet fruit, swallowing before she continued. “It’s an old book about you know what”, hands gestured in that adorably dumb way only Casta knew, “and there’s a whole part on some kind of treatments, I’m only ha-“, but before she could finish, her hand slipped under the hard cover, flipping it closed with a loud bang, palm firm on top of it.

“Wh- “Castaspella’s mouth dropped with a confused, slightly annoyed expression, yet still she could not get her words out as Light Spinner cut her off.

“Don’t mentioned that ever again.”, the young woman watched her with eyes as wide as saucers, eyebrows close together, “Do you understand?”

“But w- “

“No!”, she could feel her voice rise, unable to control it even if she knew Casta wasn’t a fond of it, “Mention it again and you can forget my help…”, harsh, too harsh she was being on her, her heart told her, but sometimes it was necessary even with a girl like her.

“I don’t u-“, Light Spinner let go of the book, pushing the chair so rapidly it made an awful sound against the floor just as she got up, giving Casta one last look above the veil. Then she turned her back to her, walking away, fast, fists closed tightly.

“Light Spinner! Where are…” the rest she did not hear as she walked out in the garden.

Pulling the veil so it hanged only on one ear, trying to compose herself, to ease the anger with fresh air. The two of them made progress in the few days, that’s what she thought at least. A treatment? Was she fucking stupid? Did she not hear a single word she told her? First Ones, she wouldn’t be surprised if she was already writing to Alec and Talia to take her and that…that in itself was probably why she reacted in the way she did. Casta wasn’t aware of the weight of her words, on what in Etheria she was suggesting. Another brainwash to make her feel as if she was in the wrong, another kind of mental manipulation like she didn’t have enough of that by those fools she called parents. Why was Light Spinner unable to make her see, to help her understand?

Scrunching the veil in her pocket, she opened the doors that led to her room, stopping in her tracks as she caught Casta getting off her bed. “What are you doing in here?”, her voice still irritated as she managed to quickly compose everything but that.

The young woman walked closer to her, “I-“with arms folded in front of her, yet she herself moved away, around the room as if she wasn’t even there. Waiting for Castaspella to finally get a hold of her words. “I wanted to apologize.”, the voice was trying hard not to stutter as it came closer, finding its way back to Light Spinner, stopping right behind her waiting for her to turn around, give her attention. “Are you mad?”, and so at last it was the worry and shakiness of it that made her look, but only for a split second did her face flashed before her eyes just when the view was filled with raven hair. Casta’s tight grip closing around her waist, her own hands standing in the air with the surprise of such action, head pressed on her chest and there she mumbled, “Please don’t be mad.”

So, Light Spinner could do nothing, but drop her hand to the back of her head, right under her bun, at such painfully sweet token. “I am mad, very mad.”, feeling the grasp on her waist tighten before she could even finish her thought, “But not at you. If anything, it is my own fault for reacting like I did.”, instinctively her hand moved from the black hair up and down her back, “Those treatments aren’t what you think they are, it’s just a bunch of bullshit that’ll make you feel even worse, trust me.”

“I do trust you, I just thought that there was a chance I could get better.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but you don’t need to get better.”, her voice was firm as she gently pulled her away by her shoulders. Waiting impatiently for her to say something, yet she didn’t, just looking up at her with those big apologetic eyes and quickly did Light Spinner let go of her. “Why do you have to be so pretty?” Almost annoyed she told her, “It makes it so much harder not to do what I want to.” She couldn’t, she knew she couldn’t be responsible for making her feel bad again.

But Casta never made it easy for her, did she? “What is it that you want?”

“I would kill to kiss you right now.”

Blushed and stuttering it was Castaspella who took a step forward, “Why-why don’t you then?”, now fully in her personal space, it was even harder not to, “I won’t stop you if that’s what you want.”, her tone low, trying to hide the little sparks of fear and nervousness she could see in her eyes, yet she couldn’t help but to pull her by the waist, pressing her where she was mere moments ago.

Still she did not kiss her, “Are you sure that’s what you want?”, her own voice hardly more than a whisper as its breath hit against the dark lips of the shorter woman, whose eyes were lowered, eyelids almost completely closed, arms against her chest, lips a parted invitation just before she nodded. Light Spinner took the chance offered, placing a slow kiss, breaking shortly just to give her another barley seconds later. Then she would repeat the action, kissing again with her own lips parted enough to capture the bottom one, painted in black, pulling slightly at it, but after that she would switch the pace, kiss harder, faster. Legs would move backwards, dragging Casta with her all until her free palm, that was stretch, would feel the smooth out wall. One more step and she turned them around so fast, the woman, now under her, would suck in a breath. Still, Light Spinner could not slow down, her lips moving so fast the girl couldn't follow anymore, yet she kept trying making the soft affection turn into a messy, needy one. She trying to get all she thought about in the last few months. In the heat of such intimacy, she found herself moving her leg between Casta's, pressing just enough for a gasp to be heard.

Leaving her lips, she found the exposed neck, marking it with a gentle kiss before taking a second to make sure, "Want me to stop?", one more warm kiss on the other side of her neck and she stopped to look at the flushed face.

It shook lightly, "I'll- " and it would stand still trying to catch her breath, "I'll rather you kiss me again."

With a grin Light Spinner obeyed, kissing the lips, down the chin, her neck. Again and again and again. Pulling one of her sleeves, exposing the soft skin of her shoulder, she would mark that too, kissing it, biting lightly, turning the skin pink to match the colour of her cheeks. At the same time her leg pressed harder just to hear her breathless voice say her name. Then just as she was rising her long dress of the marble floor coming only to her knee a shout ranged through the mansion, "Lunch!" and she cursed under her breath.

She'd let her finger pull her sleeve up, "You okay?", before they've barely passed over her cheek, tugging her hair away as she looked down at her.

"Yeah." Her big eyes now holding no fear.

"Good. Try not to think about it-" still passing over her blushes like a ghost would, "but if something bad comes to you, try to remember it and we'll talk about it." A peck on the lips and she let her breath, moving two three steps before throwing one more look at her, "If it's too much, at any moment you can come...Okay?"

"Okay."

***

Castaspella tried to do what the young tutor said, not wanting to disappoint her like she already did this morning, yet as the day passed it became harder and harder. After the lunch, once Light Spinner's secret or not so secret gazes and smirks left her, the thoughts turned from the excitement of the unexpected moment to the odd anxiety. Closing her eyes, she tried to drive herself to sleep.

Only Light Spinner's face became clear, as if it was right there, her lips so close. Feeling her touch on her back, hard kisses burning her skin. Castaspella how could you? A familiar voice came, yet she still let the taller woman roam her body. _You disappoint me, Castaspella._ Her heart was beating hard, her palm burned. What's happening? She tried to find her voice, but she kept kissing her. _Could you not embarrass us for once?_ The voices grew louder, being pulled from all sorts of memories. _Stop it,_ she wanted to scream, she couldn't pull away. _Something like this would never happen to Micah. Stop it!_ Eyes flew open, pathetically panting, gripping the sheets. She looked at the moon, trying to calm down before closing her eyes again. Casta stayed like that, in the darkness, for long, but sleep did not come, only ugly memories, real and the ones she was sure to happen soon. Suddenly, there was a need to cry, if someone finds out about all of this, Micah...The covers were dismissed, the robe replacing them as she opened the balcony door. She just needed some fresh air, yet remembering Light Spinner earlier words, she walked closer to her doors. Satin curtains were pulled and she could not see a thing, it was late she probably shouldn't, but she did knock once quietly and then a bit louder as no response came. Just when she was about to give up, the curtains were parted, revealing the tall woman and the doors open and she could clearly see her sleepy form.

"I'm sorry for waking you.", she pulled her inside without saying anything closing the doors and the curtains like they were before she disturbed. It was dark, too dark for her liking, but she could still see the way she moved around the room, going back to bed and Casta wasn't sure what to do, until Light Spinner tapped the empty side of her bed.

"Come. Tell me what's going on."

Carefully she sat down, placing her legs under the blanket, slowly letting her head hit the pillow. "I had some weird dream, I guess and I couldn't go back asleep." Truthfully, she started feeling the other woman turn prompting her head onto her hand, watching her as she kept looking at the spotless ceiling. "And you said to come and I wasn't sure and I'm sorry if I'm bothering you it's really late you're probably busy in the morning I should-"

"Casta, you're rambling."

"Sorry." The heat rose from her chest to her cheeks and over her ears as she could feel a gentle hand hold her chin, making her face her.

"What did you dream about?" Castaspella waited for Light Spinner's long yawn to stop before answering keeping the details a mystery.

"My parents...and you." She hated that she made her look at her, that her hand still rested on her face, making her flush.

A sigh, "You shouldn't care about what they think."

Rapidly she sat up, "You don't understand.", letting the hand and the calm eyes to leave her, "If they find out they'll...", she stopped wondering if she should even say more, but there was a need to tell someone, there was no one else, only her that she could turn to, "they'll disown me..." Her voice trembled hard with the next truth, "They will forbid me to see Micah."

"Then you make sure they don't find out."

Looking over her shoulders she started again, desperately, "But they will, eventually, I can't hide it forever, I'm-"

Fingers on her writs tugging her back down, "One problem at the time.", and she let them. "Now sleep. “What? She can't sleep here.

"I'll go."

"I said sleep.", long fingers still stood tight on her skin. What if someone sees, if they come looking for her and find her room empty, the balcony doors ope-

"I'll wake you before the others are up." Alright, she could perhaps try to calm down. Her heavy eyelids dropped and Light Spinner still held her wrist.


	14. The north and the south, east and west

Not even Light Spinner knew how it happened the first time around. One thing led to another, soft kisses to softer touches to bodies pressed against the cloudy bed. She had let her hair fall, blackness against the white of her sheets, like the shadows that had illuminated the walls as the sun went down. Hands sliding over the milky silk, the gown she had come to dream of. Her body was like a present long awaited and she treated it like such, kissing every part of it, whispering the words of sweet encouragement only to follow them with the caring question. "Is this okay?", and "Let me know if you want me to stop..." so on and on until their fingers intertwined, Casta's hand pressed into the mattress, the long scar on the inside of her palm rubbed against her own hand. their breaths soon too heavy to ask or to answer. She went easy on her, letting her feel the beauty of it all, carefulness filling her touch in every way. Yet still once they were done Casta laid as if she had just run through the whole Mystacor and Light Spinner led her slowly under the covers. Her head rested on her arm, bare back on full display as she gentle run her free fingers up and down it, enjoying the smoothness of it all. Through euphoria losing the feeling for time, continuously repeating the movement of her hand until the body on the other arm felt so relaxed that it was heavy. But she let her sleep, watching her peaceful form and it lasted till the young woman shot up. Sheets pulled tightly over her naked chest, breaths rapid again and face red and she simply watched, allowing her to compose herself. Before either of them knew she was back next to her, sleeping through the night then as the dawn came with light yellow colors she slipped out.

They did not speak to each other for a day or two or three perhaps and Light Spinner understood. So, she did not push, letting Casta breath all the air she needed until she came back to her. She always came with the night and went with first light, even though sometimes their meetings were nothing more than innocent. And other times when she would come to her, their bodies would be pulled to each other. Like the north and the south, east and west they've met somewhere in the middle, somewhere that did not have a name, like this thing of theirs did not have one either, but it was theirs. Casta and hers, it was new and beautiful even to Light Spinner and it was breathtaking and groundbreakingly terrifying to Castaspella. 

Still it did not have a name. 

Nameless it was even as she stole her lips in the kitchen and in the garden and in the living room. It always stayed that way, it did not need a name, she knew, because no secret needed it to be a secret. Yet in full mystery of their acts she came to look at her as hers. Her sweet, vulnerable Casta, that laughed with that joyful sounds as she pulled her into the unused office and pressed her against the walls to steal her lips again. She was her sweet, vulnerable Casta as she came to her with eyes full of tears and shaky hands. She was hers in hugs and kisses, stolen touches and sleepless nights.

She was hers, maybe not in words, but in action she was. Light Spinner knew she was as her heart fluttered with bitter jealousy as the same boy that pulled her away at Mrs. Maris' came to the mansion. He hugged her again, hands low on her back as they've disappeared to Casta's room, the one even she didn't go to and they've stayed there for hours. Stretched, frustrating hours, seconds like days. But as he went it was to Light Spinner that she came, Light Spinner, who did not go easy on her that night, to Light Spinner that made her moan her name over and over again. And it was her that soothed her to sleep, that held her little figure. It would be her that will wipe her tears away, not him, not anyone else.

Casta was as colorful as the Plumerian flowers that would bloom through spring. Cheerful like the little daisies, closed off like the thorns of the roses and she held all of their beauty. The queen of the garden. Needy of all the care she could get so that she may bloom. Light Spinner would give her all she could, the talks, the longing touches, comforting hugs and gentle kisses, yet she knew there were thing that she could not do for her. She could not and she will never be able to accept for her, to see for her or to let her see through her own eyes. All she could do was tell and show, let her ask and let her pull away when it was too much to take.

Her yells, her scolding it was meant to make her understand, to try again. Yet it was not always seen as such and she too knew it was not the approach to take with Casta, but she could not help it. Not until the girl would cry before her and all the guilt would come rushing in, but she just wanted her to stop hurting. There were only few things less disgusting, less disturbing than the way Castaspella thought, talked, felt about herself, how she was taught to see herself. Still she could see the way she longed for approval, hers and everyone else's. Light Spinner would give it to her as much as she could, all just to see her bloom. That shy smile that would come, the blushes she tried to hide. 

"It's colder than I thought it would be.", Casta announced as they walked through the Mystacor in the pitch blackness. The streets empty, it was just the stars and the two of them.

"I told you to bring a coat.", almost playfully she told her, yet it held the flinch of scolding.

"Yeah, but it wasn't so cold before."

She started to unbutton her top layer, "It's always colder in the night, you should've known that by now.", the black material slipped over her shoulders and she passed it down to the shorter woman.

"You don't have to.", Casta stopped turning her head and she tightened her hold.

"I want to.", she lowered her head, placing a deep kiss to her cold lips, warming them until the young woman pushed her away with a quiet moan.

"Not here." Her head was turning in all directions, "Someone might see..."

She still held her shoulders as she spoke, "You worry too much.", shaking them lightly, "it's just the two of us." And she leaned in to give her a quick peck. "Let's go."

They walked silently, simply enjoying the moment, the comfort of the company. Light Spinner kept glancing down at Casta, how adorable she looked wearing her clothes. The coat coming down her knees, sleeves too big hiding her hands. And something inside her told her to wrap her arms around her again to bring her close and kiss the top of her head as they've continued down the empty street. She listened to that little voice it was too persuading not to.

“I wish it could always be this way.”, Light Spinner did not know what to say to that, so she merely pulled her closer, loving the way the smell of her shampoo filled her senses. It was easier even for her to leave things simple. There was no use in dwelling on what would be if it were different, if they were other people in another time, in another place. They are here and they are who they are, they can make of it as much as its allowed. “Do you wonder what it would be like…if I were, if the circumstances were different?” Casta question, lifting her head off her chest to look at her, almost as if she sensed what had passed through her mind.

“No. There’s no need for that.”, brown eyes moved left and right, desperately trying to understand what she was saying, “When you’re laying next to me, I do not need anything more in that moment and when we sneak out to walk through the town, I do not need more than to feel your presence.”

“But what when the moment’s over?”

She smiled down at her, “Then it’s simply enough to look for another one.”, pulling her head back where it was, adoring the fruity scent once more.

The mansion appeared on the end of the street and she felt the girl wiggle out of her touch. Watched her as she let the coat fall off, already too distant in her worries as she handed it back. Now that was the worst feeling of this whole unnamed thing, the way she had to pretend not to want to kiss her or touch her. it was awful to see Casta’s fear form and how she would tense against her, yet the hardest thing was to know there was nothing she could do to stop it.

“Will you come tonight?”, Light Spinner asked just before they’ve stepped on the porch. Her mouth opened to answer, but she stopped as she opened the front doors.

“Where were you guys?!”, Micah yelled from the couch, eyes big with curiosity.

Nervously changing the topic, “Micah, what are you doing up?”, his sister said, taking additional steps away from her as if the boy would noticed anything.

“I was hungry.”, his previous question already forgotten.

“Come I’ll get you something.”, Casta started to walk away, pulling the boy by his arm, leaving her behind.

“Light Spinner, you should come too.” His voice called for her and all she could do was look at the younger woman, silently asking her, looking as she nodded, giving her permission.

So, on and on their little nameless thing went in a circle, yet Light Spinner was never bothered by it, never wished to stop. If anything, she hoped they would spin faster inside of it or perhaps slower since days seemed to go by too quickly. Sometimes too rapid to grasp them, but they were real days, good days. 

As the spring flowers became even more beautiful, the grass even greener so did Casta bloom. Her laughter so often ringing through her ears, she loved its sound, she loved the way brown eyes shined when looking at her, she loved when the young woman was brave enough to touch her hand, pass secret caresses over her knuckles. Light Spinner enjoyed to look at the reactions her own actions got, like the way Castaspella's eyes would widen, cheeks as red as blood when her hand would squeeze her knee under the table, like the soft moans she received when passing on her secret kisses. How they're gazes would lock, holding quiet conversation as everyone around them stayed oblivious.

But no matter what it always stayed unnamed and neither bothered to ask for the name or to give it one. There was no need when it was good the way it was. Of course there were those days when she wished for more, to kiss her where and when she wanted to, for her to walk freely into her room to not leave at first light, to grab her hand when walking down stone pavements, to take her for lunches and dinners. Yet still she knew that this was good, the circumstances won't let her have more than she already did, so she made of it as much as she could, trying not to dwell on the same things she didn't let Casta dwell on. Even through those days there was no denying that they both loved this little nameless thing, that perhaps wasn't that little after all.


	15. The crying woman on the balcony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one....

> Sometimes love is not enough when the road gets tough
> 
> I don’t know why
> 
> Keep making me laugh

It was anything, but a day of normality, Light Spinner had noticed. Alec and Talia had been back since yesterday evening and they have already ruined something, she knew. Casta didn't came that night, actually she hadn't seen her until breakfast. And even then, she kept refusing her gaze. She was acting odd too odd, even for her and it caused the always calm Light Spinner to lose a few nerves. The feeling she was feeling could not really be placed. Was it irritation, anger, anxiety...worry? All she knew was that she kept looking at her, hoping to catch an answer, a secretive smile, a blush. Well anything to be honest, just to know everything's alright. But the young woman kept refusing, looking down, left and right, anywhere just not at her.

Talia smiled, loudly speaking as if she was talking at a party ,"We have an exciting news, but we'll keep it a surprise till dinner.", Light Spinner kept eating the rich food like it was as tasteless as the words itself. She did not care about their useless announcements, all she wanted to know was what they said to Casta, what devious thoughts they made her think about now. If only Castaspella could see what she saw, the way they did not say things for her own good, they did it to play with her mind, to make her hurt and she was too blind by love, by the need of approval, to see it.

"Ooo, what is it?", Micah screamed next to her and she thought she would drop the folk in frustration, but she didn't.

"Later, Micah." And with that the parents rose, "We have some important things to deal with right now." They've disappeared through the front doors, Micah taking a chance to run back to his room, and she looked up at the young woman again, hoping that perhaps now she'd dare to meet her eyes. Yet before she could even do much, Casta was already on her feet so Light Spinner quickly took the chance, turning her head to check that Lexa wasn't there before she crossed the distance. Grabbing her by the wrist, leading her to the unused office.

"What are y-" the doors closed, allowing her to press the shorter woman against the wooden surface, then her lips captured the black ones. She moved slowly, trying to stretch the moment for as long as she could, feeling the vibrations of Castaspella's moans against her. But then there were hands on her chest, yet that did not pull her closer, rather pushing her away, eyes flying open just to find the brown ones already lowered, "We can't keep doing this." The words were low, but they've pierced through her ears like the highest pitch.

"What?", her own voice felt like a pitch, "Where is this coming from?" White teeth were dug into the blackness, the amber of her eyes still lost to her gaze, her head shook lightly, yet her arms were still on her chest.

The usually joyful voice broke in front of her, "We just can't.", and she knew there was more to it, Casta wouldn't just change her mind overnight, not with their nameless thing.

Moving her fingers, she grabbed a hold of the sharp chin, pulling it up, forcing her to look at her even do she tried to turn her head around, "Casta, what's gotten into you?" One tear, two tears, three, a sob, another one and she didn't count anymore.

A shaky inhale, "The surprise...", she was barley keeping her tone together, "It's not...I've overheard something..." she kept pressing her lips together between the words, trying even harder not to fully break, "They're", another inhale, "sending you back to Bright Moon tomorrow, you and Micah."

"What?"

Casta quickly continued, "They want to finish his studies there and by the time you're back, he'll be transferred back to Mystacor's school and he..."

"He'll be done with the advanced program", she took a step back, trying to grasp all of this, "he won't need my help anymore...", the girl nodded, more tears filling her eyes and then spilling from them oh so freely and she couldn't help, but to step back where she was. "Come with us.", cupping her face, feeling the warmth of her cheeks and the gentle palms that fell atop of hers.

"You know there's nothing there for me." _There is,_ she wanted to say but Casta was quicker, "They won't...you know that." Light Spinner did, but she couldn't stop but to spill the words.

Her thumbs moved left then right, wiping the warm tears off of the even warmer face, "Then come with me to Plumeria, after Micah's studies are done, come with me." She felt her tug her hands away, but she held it strongly, "You'll love it there, everything's so different, kinder, you'll see...just come." Their foreheads pressed against one another, breaths mixing somewhere in the middle. The answer was already written, hanging in the air, both had felt it, it was too predictable. Too good to be true, too good to last.

"Light Spinner, you know I can't.", her tears fell and fell. So did their nameless thing that stood perfectly fine yesterday. It was drowning and Casta's tears couldn't make it breath underwater, it fell against the marble floor, breaking into hundreds of pieces that even her hands, her spell wouldn't hold together or glue it back.

"I know, I know." And she did, in her heart she understood why she wouldn't...why she couldn't. Still, it felt wrong, to just be pulled away like that. Was this unnamed thing always so fragile? Since when was she so attached? 

"I'm sorr-", her hold brought her closer, pressing her head against her chest, arms wrapping tightly around her back.

"Don't, it's okay", it wasn't, "it's okay.", nothing about this was okay, but what else could she do with the sobbing woman that stood in front of her, against her? What was she to do when that exotic scent did not bring excitement and happiness to her? "Just come tonight.", it was all she could ask of her, she knew, she could only ask to hold her, to feel her, to let her have her for a few hours longer.

And she came just as the last belonging was placed into a suitcase. Her quiet knocks against the glassy door as if it was another day, as if this, as if everything, wasn't falling apart. Letting her in she pulled the curtains close, the doors already locked as she stole her plump lips. She kissed fast and hard, trying to savor as much as she could, to remember as much as her mind would allow. The younger woman seemed to have done the same as she started to untie her robe, her own hands moving down her, pulling her closer until her legs were wrapped around her waist. Their needy kisses never stopping, as she carried her to the bed. Light Spinner set her down so gently almost as if she was made of the thinnest glass. Her kisses moving down her neck, over her chest, over her whole skin, arms caressing the smooth legs, fingers getting lost in between them as the rest of her body laid a top of the girl, pressing into her, placing the wet, sloppy kisses onto her neck. She took in all of it, the sweet taste of chocolatey lipstick, the scent of her shampoo, the feeling of her soft arms around her, everything she could feel she tried to get a hold of to capture it with all her senses.

"Are you sure?", her black hair tingled her skin as Casta's head was placed onto her chest, her own fingers moving up and down her arm. 

"I wish I could.", the younger woman said, and she did not push her anymore, her decision was final. So, it was easier to believe neither of them could do anything. 

"You will someday."

"Someday.", Castaspella whispered back, lips moving against her skin.

They've just laid there, not sleeping nor talking, just trying to enjoy the moment, just feeling each other's presence. It'll be gone with the first light, all of it taken away. The fruity smell, the milky gown, their secret meetings, stolen kisses, like it never was. It wasn't fair, not when it barley even started. Not when they both loved their nameless thing, not when it was so pure. It was the purest thing Light Spinner had ever experienced; she did not want to let go. Yet there was no choice on her part to be made, she knew, they both did.

As the sun slowly began to rise, she felt her shake slightly, a sniff escaping her along with fresh tears, "Don't cry, Casta." She said, sitting up, pulling the young girl with her. "It'll be alright."

"I don't want you to go." Her hand kept passing through the shiny hair, not that she really knew what else was to be done, they've had only few more minutes then Casta would slip out, she'll get dressed take her bags and leave. She leaned down, slowly like that day in the girl's room, taking her lips for one last time, one last but long moment. It'll had to do until their nameless thing is pulled back together.

"Your sister's not coming to say goodbye?", She heard Talia say, yet she did not turn to look at any of them. The bags were being loaded, it was only a matter of time now and she could not help herself, but to turn around, to steal another glance at the balcony they have shared until this moment in time. And as if sent from heavens she stood there, the warm wind messing her hair. Her arms crossed, pulling on her silky gown, the one she loved so much. How Light Spinner wished for her to change her mind, to leave this all behind, to run away with her. She wished to give the nameless thing a name. It was the truth that it did not need one, but it deserved one, it deserved more that this and so did the crying woman on the balcony. It was almost as if they came a full circle, she started to look at her differently that night on the terrace in that same milky gown and now she was looking at her even differently than she did then.

Casta's gentle hand rose in a greeting matter and she could not see her tears just like she could not see the smile she hid under her veil, just for her, but someday they'll see it. Somewhere in her heart she knew she'll come back to her, when she realizes people don't write their own tragedies, but they can break free from them, they can make themselves happy, she'll come then. 

She'll come with the night and she'll stay through the dawn. Light Spinner will see her, she'll wipe her tears, hear her joyful laugh, hold her hand and steal her lips over and over again. Maybe not today, but perhaps someday they'll do it all, Casta will allow herself to be happy, she'll come or at least she hoped she would if not to her than to someone who can give her all she needed. She stared for a few more seconds and she knew Castaspella will be fine, she'll be fine, they both will be just fine. And perhaps she was wrong, maybe their someday will never come, but there was no use in dwelling, there was nothing she could do now. She taught her all she could, it was all on her sweet, vulnerable Casta.

With that she turned around unable to look anymore, she already felt too much and from now on, no matter if she comes or not, she'll only allow herself one simple thought. Simple, yet it held the strongest meaning. Simple, yet if put in action, it can change lives, it can turn planets around. Break tradition and injustice, it can put an end to all brain manipulation. It can make them able to stay like that forever. So, until then, she can only hope for that. 

_Someday._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY, I know it's not the ending you probably wanted/excepted, but it's not meant to be entirely sad(hear me out). I wanted to leave it on a hopeful note, the message, if we can call it that, is that people create their own happiness no one can do it for you, LS helped Casta but she can't bring her full happiness, she's just a part of that feeling. Of course, you can't just wake up and say I want to be happy so I'm happy, that's why this story ended the way it did. We have a hard time letting go of the thoughts,ways,past and people that hurt us because we love them,we are used to them. But just because we love someone that does not mean they bring us happiness. It's all in YOUR head and if anyone reading this way too cheesy and sappy text is struggling just know that you can be happy, maybe it seems like a bunch of BS rn(me two years ago would say the same), but you can, if your happiness is doing xyz go for it. And I'm not in any way trying to set the agenda that you need to be happily, bubbly people all day everyday, god no, life can suck like a lot, but the most important thing is to look for something good in everyday, even if it is as stupid as a pack of gums or is just you playing your favourite song on YouTube(or maybe logging into tumblr to look for Castaweaver fanart hihi)  
> Idk why I'm writing this long af note,pretty sure no one will read it, that's okay im rambling by now, but like thank you all for leaving comments/kudos I LOVE YOU ❤🌈


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